Donald Watson is my God
I am a vegan.
You should be a vegan.
I enjoy all kinds of plant foods; fruits, vegetables, grains, nuts, seeds, beans, lentils, split peas…… And fungi are good; mushrooms and the yeasts. Food made from them is really ace.
Of course, as you should, I choose not to eat any foods derived from living or dead animals.
Animals are sentient beings and should be treated as independent species and not ‘property’. That being so they should not be used or killed for food.
That means no meat of any kind; n o red meat, poultry, white meat or fish. I also exclude animal milks, no eggs, no honey, nor any other animal by product…
That’s healthy eating for you.
Having said that I am partial to the occasional piece of human meat……
H sat on the tiny bench that nestled in the gentle sweep of the land as it went down to the lake. It was exactly how the Lord had said it would be although he wasn’t there to see it finished so H gave it to contractors. About four hundred yards by two hundred; almost an ocean….
It was stocked by several varieties of fish which the contractors had supplied along with varieties of water plants including bull rushes which looked majestic in the late afternoon sun.
At one end the contractors had built a small, auxiliary pool, twenty feet higher than the main lake and water, carried underground from the lake, cascaded down large shiny boulders in a heavy but gentle pouring of water.
Near to it, six black swans were sticking their long necks in and out of the water for plants and small water beetles and insects. The swans had been clipped which meant they couldn’t fly away. H was troubled with this fact but the contractors had offered them to him from another place where they had already been clipped and H felt that if they couldn’t have freedom he could, at least, give them a good home.
Down the other end of the lake he had built, well the contractors had, a wooden building that stood half on a jetty that overhung the water and had large glass windows and a large lounge and kitchen and dining table. If you were going to have things of wonder you should at least enjoy them…..
Moored to the jetty was a rowing boat and H spent a little time every day rowing as fast as he could from one end to the other. It was good for exercise and excellent for punching strength in martial arts.
Today was not a day for enjoyment; today was one of those days when H questioned his sanity and his reason for being alive or more correctly why he shouldn’t just be dead?
It was one of those days……
One of those days when nothing made sense, confusion reigned and fear kept opening dark doors into dark places you didn’t really want to go. His intellect told him it would be gone tomorrow but his intellect held no power in this company. In this company, all bowed before its power….
H was struggling with Benshima. Well not with Benshima actually…with sex. It was certainly true he could give her as many orgasms as she wanted but he was just performing. It was for her. It wasn’t for him. And it had been months now since they had had intercourse. He tried, he tried hard. He got hard but as soon as he entered her vagina his body shut down. In the past he had fucked half the world but now, now he didn’t have to, now his brain had told him to give it a rest.
H to brain. Until ….?
Brain to H. Who knows….?
And so little Jimmy, who had today replaced H, who had been sexualised at a very early age, was lost. If he stopped having intercourse with Benshima she would go…..
But he had, literally, stopped having intercourse with her but she had stayed…….?
It was all beyond him and he had no idea why he struggled with making love to Benny? What had unremitting brutality and sodomy from his father to do with him making love to Benshima? All those years ago?
He couldn’t see it.
Which left her….
But what the hell did his sadistic, cold, heartless, pathetic, emotional pygmy of a mother have to do with this?
Confusion overwhelmed him, then fear and panic, and tears filled his eyes. He shook his head as though that would help clear it but….. His face creased in anguish. His mouth wide open and pulled back in a silent scream, his eyes huge as only a tiny terrified child’s can be. The tears turned to sobs and his chest hurt as it searched for air. A searing pain permeated his neck and shoulders and went down his back. Incredible pain……
Pain from a long time ago…..
If he was living the events and confusion, if not the actual visual memory, of a long time ago then he would also live the pain that went with it…
He cried and sobbed but there was no sound from his mouth. Old habits died hard. Better to kill the sounds than get killed yourself by attracting attention… The fear and confusion intensified and he was panic stricken. There was no escape and, as always, perhaps with anyone for whom there is no escape, there is only one escape….
With tears stinging his eyes James looked down to the waters edge, and into its clear depths. Searing pain racked his whole body. Incredible pain, real pain, illusory pain, inflicted pain, self inflicted pain….
He saw a large trout amble by, slowly swishing its tail, oblivious to the violent confusion that whirled in its protector’s head above him. Looking slowly over to the swans he watched as they majestically sailed on their imperious way. How could he leave that? What would death replace that with….? Sweet fuck all….
He didn’t feel the hand on his shoulder or the arms encircle him but he heard her voice…
‘James’ she said gently ‘its ok, I’m here…you’re safe’
He turned and looked at her and shook his head ‘I’m not’ he struggled to say ‘I’m not’
She cradled his face and kissed him gently ‘You are….you are…..quite safe…safe with me…safe with Ben….’
He shook his head again ‘I can’t make love to you’ he said quietly and sobbing racked through him, his mouth opened wide and he let out a low wail like a wounded animal.
‘James, my love’ she said softly, ‘it makes absolutely no difference to me if we never make love again. I agreed to live with you I slept with you. I wanted to be with you and marry you from the first time we ever met, in the restaurant’
He looked into her eyes and she saw the scared child.
‘You’ll go’ he said desperately but his huge wet eyes were pleading don’t go, please don’t go.
‘I will never leave you. In fact, I’ll do you a deal. If you want to die, now, in there’ she pointed to the deep, silent, waiting water ‘I’ll come with you……’
It hit him like a hammer blow and he shook his head violently ‘No!’ he shouted.
He had no answer. He should have said ‘Ben’ but that didn’t cross his mind. His face mirrored the confusion as, for the child, there was no logical explanation. Tiny children don’t do logic; at least not a logic that an adult would understand. Tiny children are either safe or not, protected or not, living or struggling to survive… The pain now overwhelmed him and he slumped. Sitting, hunched, he held his head in his hands.
His mind played a cruel trick and he heard his mobile ring, and he answered it and they told him his wife was dead and he felt the overwhelming feeling of utter loss; of abandonment; of hopelessness; of fear, of terror, of death…… If she died he was dead…..a tiny child with a dead mother and a brutal father. Another Peter Connelly or, as he was known when his tiny body could take no more, Baby P…
All he knew was if someone had to die it had to be him. Not her. Whatever fate was to befall them it had to be him that was exposed to danger…not her.
She was sacrosanct…he was expendable.
It was all too much and his brain decided he had had enough today and so it switched his past off and he felt a massive tiredness envelop his body. The pain went to be replaced by heavy muscles that he knew he could never move. He let out a long breath and his head slumped to his chest. Sitting by him she enclosed him with her arms and softly kissed the side of his head.
‘I love you so much’ she said softly ‘so much…’
He nodded but a part of him found it hard to believe that anyone could love him and not hurt him…….one day. And it was perhaps that day when Benshima left, that made him want to die now or at least not live, which was different. In fact, if he could have expressed himself, understood the difference, he could have told her he didn’t want to die, but at times living was unbearable….
Why wait? Why have all this happiness, any happiness, to have it taken away? Why wait when a tiny voice is saying ‘They don’t really love you…but you have nothing else. And without them you will die….you are too tiny, too dependent on them…..without them, you will die…..but they are killing you as you live….for their pleasure’
His brain, realising that he was slipping back into self-destruction, forced him to cry and Benny held him tightly….very tightly.
‘Come on my love’ she said ‘let it go now….let it go…..’
After several minutes he took several deep lungfuls of air and they stood up. He stood quite still and looked at her. The six foot three man’s man, built like a Greek God and the five foot six woman’s woman, who could have been the fourth Grace….
‘And they think I’m the hard man’ he said slowly. She said nothing. ‘And yet you have the strength to put up with me’
‘James I don’t actually put up with anything. You are a decent human being although I say that with a degree of…..’ she thought for a second and grinned ‘latitude…..as some may not agree if they are still capable of talking at all; a loving husband and good father….’
‘It sounds like an obituary’
‘……..And I don’t struggle with you’ she continued ‘you struggle with you…..and them. And it isn’t an obituary, if anything it is a testament to a life you lead and a person I know and love but sometimes you don’t recognise’
He looked sad and she saw the confusion return to his eyes.
‘Let’s go and get a cup of tea’ she said to break the cycle.
He nodded and then held her shoulders and looked into her face. A safe face with safe eyes….
He pulled her close within his athletic frame. She rested her head on his chest and he put his arms around her to keep her safe.
‘Do you remember when we first met?’ she asked ‘In the restaurant?’
‘Do you remember what you said to me?’
‘You do what?’
‘What I said? You mean in essence?’
‘No….I mean I remember it. You said, This is difficult to explain so I will make it simple……..I don’t know you, have never met you, never spoken to you, know nothing about you. However……I would like to know you, be with you and I would like you to be with me. If you can do that, and you’re comfortable, I will take care of you and make you safe for the rest of your life…..that’s what you said’
‘Yes I did. That’s exactly what I said’ he said in amazement
‘Then let me tell you something that I could have said when we met;
This is difficult to explain so I will make it simple……..I don’t know you, have never met you, never spoken to you, know nothing about you. However……I would like to know you, be with you and I would like you to be with me. If you can do that, and you’re comfortable, I will take care of you and make you safe for the rest of your life…..’
Dear Diary 1
I have seen him…the man of my dreams.
Can you imagine dear Diary…can you?
I don’t care what you say, you can’t….
I have only been in my new job for three days, Three days! And in he walks. You should have seen him. Tall, handsome, elegant, masculine.
Everything I could possibly want in a man. And in spades; which is quite funny as I work in a casino.
His name is James and he is our new boss. And he has this…authority, this presence. It’s overwhelming and my heart sang with joy at his presence.
I am told he is married but I don’t think that will get in our way.
If you are meant to be then you are meant to be…
James…….so masculine, so……me
Goodnight Dear Diary
Sleep well. I will.
After I……he…..has pleasured me…..