Just Words

Copyright 2012 by David C Jaundrell

Digitally (ebook) Published by: Benshima Ltd.

All Rights Reserved

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the products of the author’s imagination of are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, events, or locales is entirely coincidental. Without limiting the rights under copyright reserved above, no part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying).

Contents

The Beach

Another language

The Mirror

Alone

Black Dog

The end of the day

Dreams can come true

Coming Clean

Hello my friends

I’m not sure….

The Kiss

Death

Join me

The journey and resultant adventures of Meeky and Meegle

Education

I’m English

The same….but different

The Madeley girl

Free

The Lord

‘Self Help’ Books

What is love?

Let’s

I’m a Coward

I’ve loved a….(lyric)

My Beautiful Friend

People say

Poem for Zaynab

The Poker Song

I knew….

The Price of Love (female version)

Too late

S & M

Killer’s Eyes

A Student (blues lyrics)

I take them out

Susie

The Meeting

Going Home

Your House

The beast

Mynoe 23

Ode to Dave - from Gordon

My Will be Done

The little child

Page 3 girl

Aphrodite Revealed

It takes two

Rosie

The lonely road

Second Best

The Dark Side

What things are made of…

Tiger

You and Us

You

The Other Man

Time

Secret Love

Someone To Love Me

A Long Suicide

To Os

The Future

Doe to Vole (The Dyslexics Lament)

True Love…?

Who breaks a butterfly upon a wheel?

Waiting

A Cuddle

Yours Tonight

Marion

As You Lie

Gonna Lose My Innocence (lyric)

Goodbye My Friend

It Was You

He’s Going Home

I Excite You

You Gotta Kick Ass

Let Me Be

Be Consistent

Body Language

Alice in Business Land

Always Been The Same….

The Scene

The Piano

Togetherness

The Wasteland (a fairy tale)

Bliss

Boy

On Holiday

Ted the Teacher

The Boat Trip

Assizes

Communication

Complexity

The Neighbour

The Beach

As she’s sitting on the plane

Only her smile betrays the strain

Of the flight that is before her

So she nestles down to sleep

Knowing it will keep

The demons still within her

As she steps out of the plane

She starts to live again

As the heat cocoons her

Her senses seek the sea

Where she knows she’ll be

Cleansed of all within her

Wendy goes down to the beach

Extends her arms to reach

The stars that shine above her

They greet a child they know

They caress the child below

The planets move around her

The sea invites her in

Like a long lost twin

Dolphins swim to greet her

Down and down they dive

Her body comes alive

Their grace bestowed upon her

She swims farther out to sea

Renewing her decree

That life must live within her

Her body feels a thrill

She knows they always will

Be waiting there to love her

She stays for quite some time

Till everything is fine

And peace returns within her

So now it’s just once more

She goes down to the shore

Gives thanks to all before her

Wendy goes down to the beach

Extends her arms to reach

The stars that shine above her

They greet a child they know

They caress the child below

The planets move around her

Another Language

When we meet

And you smile

Making life

So worthwhile

I love you

When your lips

Tell my cheek

That you care

I go weak

I love you

When we dance

In the night

Men look…

You hold me tight

I love you

When your eyes

Speak to mine

And they say

That it’s time

I love you

With your clothes

On the bed

There’s nothing left

To be said

I love you

When the heat

Of your touch

Tells my body

So much

I love you

When you soar

To the sun

Making two

Into one

I love you

Then gently

To sleep

In your arms

Breathing deep

I love you

When your voice

Softly moans

In the morning

I’m not alone

I love you

And on the day

That you die

My love

So will I

I love you

The Mirror

The Mirror

There was a time

In years gone by

When cows jumped moons

And pigs could fly

But in this modern age of ours

With rocket ships and acid showers

There comes a time

To sit and gauge

The effect on us of this mad age

The cows and pigs had life or death

No in between

No mental stress

They ate, they drank

They loved, they died

No hell on earth

No churned inside

The outside world

It doesn’t know

I’m big, I’m strong

That’s what I’ll show

When it needs help

I’m always there

My number rings

They know I’ll care

The managers they come to me

I’m big, I’m strong, that’s what they see

And so I am, I run the show

And when they ask, I always know

My friends, relations, come to me

Because of course, they can see

That when in trouble and in need

I’m a very special breed

When there’s a crisis, I’m your man

My thinking’s clear, I’ll have a plan

I’ll organise and tabulate

Dissect, conspire, manipulate

And if that isn’t quite enough

There are other ways, much heavier stuff

That’s all fine, the other’s helped

But what of me, what of myself?

I often wonder, when I’ve time

If any of my thoughts are mine

I know I have them, but you see

Are any of them really me?

I work on logic, feel no pain

It’s always pushed away again

But there are times when I despair

My heart cries out, there’s no one there

For no one else can see the pain

My strong man mask is on again

I can’t relax, I don’t know how

Without my work, there is no now

I talk of work, most of the time

It is, of course, at what I shine

But in my heart of hearts I know

That in my brain, pushed very low

Is someone else, the real me

But dare I let the others see?

I know there’s times I want to say

I’m sorry, no!

Please go away

I’ve had enough

Leave me alone

Do you really think

I’m made of stone?

There are also times I want to say

To someone near

Don’t go away….

But what I say and what I feel

Are quite different

So unreal

I get frustrated, cause a row

All because I don’t know how

To explain

Just what I feel

Why have I built

These walls of steel?

Well from now on

And come what may

I’ll say what I feel

And feel what I say

Think of others

Not just of me

Escape the dreadful parody

And then with time

And with assistance

I can lower my resistance

To demands

That I succeed

To be a very special breed

Alone

Sitting alone

In a darkened room

Emptiness now

Terror soon

Being alone

Self protection

Being alone

Self destruction

Being alone

No inflicted pain

Being alone

Self inflicted pain

Being alone

Strangulation

Being alone

No motivation

Being alone

Self protection

Being alone

Nihilistic projection

Being alone

Strength sapping

Being alone

Brain mapping

Being alone

Tires you out

Being alone

Sucks..........

Being alone.

Not so much a physical condition as a state of mind. A fabricated existence designed to protect one from pain, people and the world....but which divorces you from pain, people and the world.

Concomitantly it assumes the world is bad and leaving it is good. Tends to assume a predominance of evil over good and therefore a waste of time and strength to be in it.

Being alone.....sucks

It lacks purpose.....its maze like qualities take enormous resources for no benefit

Black Dog

It has arrived

My own pet nightmare

The Black Dog

With the bulging eyes

And the sharp, exposed fangs

It lives in a kennel

I don’t know where

It doesn’t tell me

Just turns up

When it wants feeding

It is so hard to please

The Black Dog

Its wants change

Day to day

Year to year

How does a dog live so long?

What do you want Black Dog?

I ask

Apprehensively

I haven’t got time at the moment

Things to do

People to see

You want walking

Now!

You want feeding

Now!

But…..

But…..

What about the things to do?

Do me!

What about the people to see?

See me!

But…..

But…..

And so we walk

You run amok

Spreading fear

Having fun

And so we eat

You slobber and froth

Creating embarrassment

Which you enjoy

How long are you staying?

Black Dog

The usual answer

Until…

Until what?

Until when?

You have destroyed the furniture

With your vicious mouth

Slashed the carpets

With your sharpened claws

I wait

In my own place

I wait

In the Black Dogs time

I wait

For the Black Dog

To take it evil eyes off me

At last

I notice a change

The Black Dog

Has become bored

With the humiliation

Of its owner

It is tired

Of the game

Is it deciding

Whether to go back

To its Kennel

Wherever it is

I wait

Please go back

To your kennel

It is undecided

Then goes

To its Kennel

Wherever it is….

The End of the Day

Though I love my wife dearly

We have different needs

When it comes to the end of the day

Please don’t make me go

Down to Soho

Where the women are cheap

And get little sleep

Where I’ll pay for the pleasure

Of getting no pleasure

Which will again reaffirm

The contradiction in terms

Where the women don’t care

They just want you to stare

And the longer you stare

The more you’ll spend there

Where the sex isn’t real

And you feel a heel

For being so seedy

For being so needy

The men search for something

Perhaps their own plaything

But you won’t get one here

You won’t even get near

Here you pay just to watch

Pay a fortune for Scotch

The closest you’ll get to bed

Is with her in your head

I want to go home now

To have sex with you now

To do all the things

The other men do

But you’ll just turnover

Mention Jehovah

And the next night I’ll go

Down to Soho

Though I love my wife dearly

We have different needs

When it comes to the end of the day

Dreams can come true….

The lights were red

Bored out of my head

I looked to my right

For a change

And there you were

I had to stare

Everything I wanted

How strange…

What fate can do

I’m one

Soon be two

When we go to the alter

Quite soon

On a sunset day

Perhaps in late May

Then that night

We’ll fly to the moon

The lights turned to green

She hadn’t seen

That I was the one

For her

So I pulled in behind

To follow her home

The rest was just a blur

She parked her car

I watched from afar

And then I walked

To her door

My heart was pounding

My head was aching

But my love lay beyond

I was sure

‘I believe’ she said

‘You want to take me to bed

I’ve been waiting

Forever for you

Please take me now

Please show me how

To make love

I haven’t a clue….’

I shook my head

What had she said?

She repeated it again

For me

‘What do you want?

You followed me home…

Just F off

You perverted C

But true love is blind

I knew in my mind

This delicate creature

Was mine

To be in my home

Just us two alone

Making love

For most of the time

It was quite a surprise

The hair spray in my eyes

It’s been a while

Since I’ve encountered such pain

Then the knee in the nuts

And the several head butts

Rather scrambled

My brain

As I lay on the floor

I heard, more than saw

The officers

Talking to her

She was quite erudite

Describing her plight

She went straight

For my jugular

I was a rapist, a pervert

A serial killer

A threat to women

The world over she said

I’m not sure the police

Believed her

Though one accidentally

Stamped on my head

In the cell I was visited

By a doctor

For my eyes, my head

And my nuts

And he stitched

The bleeding leg wound

From the fangs

Of one of their mutts

At this point

It should have got better

At this point

I should have gone free

But it would appear

The ‘High Park Ripper’

Rather resembled

Me

In the line up

They all pointed at me

‘It’s him’

I heard them all say

Then all the coppers

High Fived

‘We’ll just match up

His DNA’

As you would expect

It didn’t

The high fives

Turned to looks of disgust

They knew they had

A pervert

Their instincts

They knew they could trust

And so they combed

The files

They knew there was something

On me

If only they could find it

I would never

Be free

But alas to their chagrin

There was nothing

Not even

An unpaid fine

But they knew

They had to do something

So they had me for

‘Wasting police time’

Now everything’s back to normal

No stinging, no swelling, no blood

And in due course the stigma

Will leave my neighbourhood

But it serves as a warning

For all of you out there

When you chase your dream

Please….for f….s sake beware……………

Coming Clean

There’s a thing or two

I haven’t said

I’m sort of weak

I’m crap in bad

I like a tan

Makes me a man

Though underneath

I’m fairly wan

I’m overweight

A little chubby

Not what you want

To be your hubby

I know a lot

So it appears

I actually don’t

It’s smoke and mirrors

Hello my friends

I’m a lady of the night

I have friends that see me right

As long as I am good at what I do

I provide escape

It takes any shape

Why don’t you join the others in the queue?

I’ll pour fuel on your fires

Fulfil your desires

But when you walk out the door

I won’t exist anymore

Good evening Commander

I’m glad you could wander

In for a Beaujolais

Take off your coat

Have a quiet smoke

And then when you’re ready we’ll play

Well hello famous man

I’ll do what I can

To make you feel famous in here

What you seek is secret

Between you and me

Your public must never hear

Rock on my friend

Isn’t the band

Supplying you with groupies tonight

I know you like three

But there’s only me

Perhaps less bark and more bite

I’ll pour fuel on your fires

Fulfil your desires

But when you walk out the door

I won’t exist anymore

Minister I’m flattered

That although you’re shattered

I pull you more than the House

So lets get it over

So that your driver

Can get you back to your spouse

So you’re the latest boy wonder

To rend asunder

The record for football transfers

But in here I do the kicking

You do the licking

We’re both little entrepreneurs

Good evening your Grace

You’ve hidden your face

From the light of the moon

But I will expose you

Mistreat and degrade you

And you’ll be in heaven soon

I’ll pour fuel on your fires

Fulfil your desires

But when you walk out the door

I won’t exist anymore

I’m not sure

Where are you going?

She asked

I’m not sure

How long will you be gone?

I’m not sure

Will you be ok?

I’m not sure

What will you do?

I’m not sure

Will you know anyone?

I’m not sure

Are you being evasive?

I’m not sure

Deceiptful?

I’m not sure

Shouldn’t you tell me?

I’m not sure

Is it a secret?

I’m not sure

Let him go

Why?

We don’t want him

Why?

I hate him

Why?

I hate everything

Why?

It suits me

Why?

Because it does

The Kiss

My darling

I know you want me

To go where

I’ve never been before

And I know

It’s time to go there

Take a chance

Though I’m not sure…..

Kiss me my love

Before we go farther

Kiss me

So I know I’m safe

Your kiss tells me

How much you love me

Your kiss

Shelters this waif

I didn’t know

It was like this

Though I dreamed

That it would be

Your body

Warm against me

Yours hands

Setting me free

Kiss me my love

As we go farther

Kiss me

Show me you care

Your kiss tells me

You love me

As it gently

Brushes my hair

My love

As we lie entangled

My senses

Heightened by you

I know

What made it happen

Why

My dream came true

Your kiss my love

Told me you loved me

Your kiss

Came from your soul

Your kiss my love

Told me everything

Let me lose

My self control

As we lie in

A golden moment

That will live

For ever more

I realise

For the first time

And could not

Have known before

What we did

Was quite beautiful

But I

Can tell you this

There is nothing

In the world

That compares

To a kiss

Death

Did you know

You won’t see snow

When you die

Nor another cloud

When you are in a shroud

When you die

No longer eating

Feeling sated

When you’re cremated

Join Me

Join me

Come on, come on

Join me

Come on, come on

Join me

Come on, come on

Join me

There comes a time baby

You gotta take a stand

To all the shit that’s out there

You don’t have to take commands

From all the jumped up little men

Who think they rule us all

Well they can go and …. themselves

We’re gonna have a ball

Join me

Come on, come on

Join me

Come on, come on

Join me

Come on, come on

Join me

We’re gonna hit the streets

We’re gonna take control

We’re gonna take our minds back

We’re gonna rock and roll

We’re gonna show the rulers

Of this friggin place

That their days are over baby

They’re going without a trace

Join me

Come on, come on

Join me

Come on, come on

Join me

Come on, come on

Join me

Come on, come on

Now that it’s all over

Now that they’ve all gone

We’re in a state of chaos

From LA to Aberzan

So someone’s gotta sort it

Someone’s gotta take control

It might as well be me

Come on lets rock and roll

Join me

Come on, come on

Join me

Come on, come on

Join me

Come on, come on

Join me

Come on, come on

Well that wasn’t so bad

Not too many dead

But it was really necessary

If we’re to get ahead

Someone’s got to rule

There’s got to be control

I want to rule the world

Come on lets rock and roll

Join me

Come on, come on

Join me

Come on, come on

Join me

Come on, come on

Join me

Come on, come on

The journey and resultant adventures of Meeky and Meegle

As they trongled

Through the gribble

The bright white bing

Showed them the way

Their footsteps

Suked upon the fassy

Telling plogues

To stay away

Ever deeper

Through the gribble

They came across

A schlapadook

Rearing up

Upon its rergers

Yeek unsheathed

To have a look

The schlapadook

With eyes aboogling

Charged with Yeek

Glinting in the bing

But mighty Meegle

Trained in yakte

Took out his yeek

To fight the thing

They came together

Yeeks ascraggling

The schlapadook

As fierce as grod

But Meegle

Feinted with a shnargle

A headless schlapadook

Met God

On they went

Did Meeky and Meegle

Till they found

A watery trest

So that night

While eating schlapadook

They talked about

Their dangerous quest

Too much scrumjy

Made them cliggly

Meegle felt his

Bingbong stir

So he bloogled

Little Meeky

Although little sleep

Dulled her fur

As they slept

A gang of truggles

Plugled slowly

Round our team

Then they rushed

Their samchoos loaded

Meegle woke

To Meeky’s scream

Although a little

Plongeredover

Head clearing quickly

He grabbed his Yeek

Then mighty Meegle

Scrungling wildly

Bloggered the truggles

In a heap

On they trongled

Over blugies

Up high claggers

Under yiks

Then they came across

A prugle

With fangs agrinzing

Hair with tiks

Meeky ran

Behind brave Meegle

Who realised

A yeek won’t work

Against an enormous

Gronging prugle

Who stood there froogling

With a smirk

You’re going to plog

Said the Prugle

Then I’m going

To smag you both

With some herbs

And a nice fresh perkle

Over a fire

With a hint of sloth

Meegle knew

They had a problem

Gronging prugles

Were a pain

Time to call up

Lamshoo Lactoo

Buried deep

Inside his brain

Meegle needed

Time to do it

So he smizzled

Very fast

But the prugle

Quiggled quickly

Just missing Meegle

As he passed

Lamshoo Lactoo

Deep in slumber

Wakened quickly

From its lull

The mighty spirit

Engulfed Meegle

With its powers

To the full

Meegle stopped

Looked at the prugle

Who was scringeing

Very loud

Then with Lamshoo Lactoo

With him

Unleashed a stream

Of poison cloud

The prugle clutched

At its dagoolie

Its froogles

Twitching on its face

And then it yingled

With a farkle

Falling over

Without much grace

Meegle thanked

Lamshoo Lactoo

So the mighty spirit

Went back to bed

As Meegle still had

Lots of gringle

He bloogled Meeky

In the head

On they trongled

Ever farther

Fighting yonks

And killing plew

Til at last

They came to Glueble

Where the magic

Yaktuk grew

How to steal it

They both wondered

With so many

Yings about

Then little Meeky

Had a brainwave

We need a squidgepop!

With a snout

Back to the gribble

They went a searching

For a squidgepop

With a snout

Until exhausted

Meegle lay down

On a crungle

Then passed out

Meeky looked

At Meegle lying

On the crungle

Fast asleep

But Meeky wanted

More than snoozing

Meeky wanted

A good bleepbleep

And whilst she liked

Meegle’s bloogling

It didn’t often

Start with her

And so Meeky tied

His lovely granjees

Restraining movement

Raising fur

Meegle struggled

But in vain

As Meeky gronged

And gronged again

And then in one

Last burst of sheg

She accidentally

Kicked his leg

On they trongled

Through the grimble

Till they came

Upon the spot

Where a squidgepop

With a snout

Was snirgling burgles

In a pot

Meegle took

A netted grandle

Hurling it over

The squidgepop

And Meeky

Put it in a snarkle

Making sure

To seal the top

Back to the glueble

For the yaktuk

The squidgepop primed

To aid the fight

They rushed the clearing

The Yings they countered

They raised their girks

Rushed to fight

Out came the squidgepop

With snout akimbo

Held by Meeky

For all to see

And the Yings

Fled the glueble

Terrified of snouts

You see

Quickly Meegle

Grabbed the Yaktuk

It’s magic to own

Then they both fled

Back to the land

Of Gleeblybaktok

For a good nights sleep

And a nice soft bed

Education

There are many ways to learn

A smile

A burn

A guiding hand,

A smiling face

A vice like grip

A scary place

It’s all to make you what you are

And what you’re going to be

I’m English

There are certain things

In the world

That are meant to be

Things like sitting down and

Eating cake with a cup of tea

You have to have some standards

So when they offer Thai

You know what to do

There’s only one reply

I’d rather not I’m English

I’d rather not I’m English

It may be fine for you

Where you come from

But I’d rather not I’m English

Not for us a bagel

Not for us a sub

Not for us fraljeezi

We are more syllabub

So please don’t make us eat them

Don’t even make us try

You know what will happen

We will just reply

I’d rather not I’m English

I’d rather not I’m English

It may be fine for you

Where you come from

But I’d rather not I’m English

Women here are gentle

They border on serene

No matter where you’ve come from

No matter where you’ve been

The women here are courted

So please don’t even try

To go any farther

Or they’ll soon reply

I’d rather not I’m English

I’d rather not I’m English

It may be fine for you

Where you come from

But I’d rather not I’m English

There are certain things

In the world

That are meant to be

Things like sitting down and

Eating cake with a cup of tea

You have to have some standards

So when they offer Thai

You know what to do

There’s only one reply

I’d rather not I’m English

I’d rather not I’m English

It may be fine for you

Where you come from

But I’d rather not I’m English

The Same…But Different

Outside….

Silver fingers

Reach out

The window

Offers no resistance

A passing cloud

Fights for supremacy

And loses…

Inside….

The soft light

Touches her face

He looks into her eyes

And wonders

Whether the world

Can hear his heart beat

This is their first time

Together

Not their first time

Ever

Just

Together

Outside….

The moon sees

An approaching cloud

And shoos it off

Clouds

Are not magical

Inside….

He cups her cheeks

Kisses her

Softly

Her arms

Drape round his neck

Telling him

She feels safe

His lips

Find her neck

She gasps

His teeth gently bite

She fights

For breath

Outside…

The moon

Has risen higher

Its wants to help

Them

With it’s magic

Inside…

Her hands

Entwine

Pulling him close

Her lips

Full

Her mouth

Open

The kiss is

Passionate

Sensual

Her tongue

Explores his mouth

And sends

A message

His hands move

Slowly down

And brush

Her breasts

She gasps again

Another message

He holds them

Outside…

The moon is higher

Watching

It has risen

In the sky

Increasing

Its magical spell

Inside…

He has unbuttoned

Her blouse

Her bra

Is lace

And low

Another message

Her blouse falls

To the floor

He wonders how

He should undo

Her bra?

Expertly?

From

All those years

With

All those women

Or…..?

He decides

To be himself

Outside…

The moon

Is pleased

Virginity

Is relative

Inside….

Her bra

Has joined her blouse

On the floor

She takes off

His shirt

Holds him close

Nestles her being

In his strength

They stand there

Forever

Locked together

Friends

Lovers

To be

Holding his hands

She moves away

Slightly

And looks deep

Into his eyes

Another message

The unspoken words

Shout

Their message

Her silence

Deafens him

With its

Passion

They leave

Her clothes

On the floor

He will get them

For her

Tomorrow

Outside….

The moon

Beckons

To the clouds

Who scud in obedience

And draw a veil

Until tomorrow

Madeley Girl

In a council house in Madeley

That you’ve tried hard to forget

And a mother that abused you

You’re not completely over yet

You’ve tried to show the world

What confidence you’ve got

With your pretty clothes

And lovely face

They’d think you’d got the lot

But in your mind

The little girl from Madeley

Goes back to the council house

Dressing her dolls pretty

And quiet as a mouse

You’ve now been married twice

To men who don’t appeal

Little men, timid men

Men who’ll never squeal

As you’re showing off your girly looks

Like a model on parade

To the other men

Who look and lust

But you’re just a big charade

You said you wanted love

And financial security

I gave you the chance of both

I offered them with me

And so you left your little man

For a future more secure

But you went back

To your lonely life

And a childhood you can’t cure

Because in your mind

The little girl from Madeley

Goes back to the council house

Dressing her dolls pretty

And quiet as a mouse

Free

It seems to me

To be free

You have to see

The world

Differently.....

The Lord

I’m singing to the Lord

Because everything has gone

Except his goodness within me

That carries me on

Down the road

Down the road

Down the road

With the Lord

I once had it all

More money than I could spend

Though I did my damnedest

To the bitter end

Then I walked the road

Walked the road

Walked the road

To the Lord

I had a lovely wife

With three lovely kids

But the womaniser in me

Put me on the skids

But I found the road

Found the road

Found the road

To the Lord

I fought in all the bars

Gambled all the time

Used the vilest language

Drunk the bitterest wine

Then I saw the road

Saw the road

Saw the road

To the Lord

When everything had gone

Friends nowhere to be seen

I walked the lonely streets

A complete has been

He crossed the road

Crossed the road

Crossed the road

Did the Lord

I’m singing to the Lord

Because everything has gone

Except his goodness within me

That carries me on

Down the road

Down the road

Down the road

‘Self Help’ Books

There are too many analysts

Bordering on paralysis

So I thought I’d save my money

I’ve bought some self-help books

Tell me how to do it

Oh please, please tell me how

I cannot be complete

So please, please help me now

I’m reading all the books

They’re so very, very true

They help me so considerably

They know my hidden view

They show that I’m withdrawn

A flower about to bloom

I must be more assertive

I must dominate the room

But here it says I’m forthright

That’s why I have no friends

It’s just I hadn’t seen it

I have to make amends

They say I’m Cinderella

Waiting for the ball

My problems attitudinal

No one will ever call

I like to court attraction

That’s why I tend to smile

I hadn’t seen it that way

I think I’ll scowl awhile

It says here that I’m arrogant

Here, on three hundred ninety four

This will help considerably

It says to smile some more

People with grey eyes (it says)

And those with shades of blue

Have better physical relations

Than us (I’m sure its true)

I’m a sexual deviant

It says so on page ten

They really are insightful

There’s more in this than Zen

Now I know I hate my family

I never ever knew

It must have been so very deep

But it obviously is true

I had incest with my father

The dirty filthy chap

I didn’t realise incest

Was sitting on a lap

I’m glad I read the books

No one else could help

Now I know I’ve found myself

No longer on the shelf

Now I understand

Exactly who I am

I can conquer any mountain

If I want, it says, I can

Deep down I am a sadist

A masochist, voyeur

A screaming, hating, vicious bitch

Who’ll care forever more

I’m also very stubborn

In a pleasing, helpful way

It says I need somewhere to run

Though I’d much prefer to stay

I really loathe my body

Which I love with all my heart

I do detest my partner

Though I know we’ll never part

I know that people hate me

They hide it with a smile

And those that shout and scream at me

Have loved me all the while

It’s really very simple

This self-analysis bit

No need to see an expert

With a Do It Yourself kit

And so you see I’ve cracked it

Free forever more

It was really very easy

Wish I’d read this book before

There are too many analysts

Bordering on paralysis

So I thought I’d save my money

I’ve bought some self-help books

What is Love?

A warm snug bed on a cold wet night

Someone’s arms to hold you tight

Phone call from a long way away

Tender voice brightens the day

A barking dog, a wagging tail

Fresh westerly breeze, billowing sail

Wet climbing boots, towering hills

Flashing lights, ecstasy pills

Back seat of the car, fumbling zips

Rented penthouse, business trips

A lifetimes silence, Holy Orders

Giving your life for your country’s borders

Hand in hand under the moon

In the park in the middle of June

Making snowmen in blistering cold

Warmth of the fire as you both get old

Helping the lepers, saving your soul

Feeding the starving, holding the bowl

Charitable work, raising the cash

Helping the child run away from the lash

Painting the house another fresh hue

Signing your names in autumn dew

Doing the dishes, I wash you dry

New spring lambs, see the tear in your eye

Trudging the streets, sex for money

Child at home sucking a dummy

Trudging the streets, money for sex

Partner at home doesn’t care or suspect

Cold wet night, car stops again

Walking back with me, braving the rain

Redundant once more, back on the dole

Your strength again digs me out of my hole

Lie on your back, while mommy’s out

This is our little secret, no need to shout

Just stop your crying, you know that’s not fair

All I’m doing is showing I care

A visit to prison, only two years to go

Business failure, nothing to show

Property boom, make lots of money

Property crash, you still call me honey

Snatched conversation, clandestine meetings

Urgent kisses, physical greetings

Sending text messages over the phone

Someone’s wife, but not your own

First you are two, then you are three

Someone to gurgle at, bounce on your knee

Perhaps not your own, some others discard

Better your lap, than the hands of De Sade

Please do it now, please do it hard

Make me grovel in filth, throw me out on the yard

Then take me again, though I’m pleading you stop

I want only you, till the day that I drop

Love, as a word, has vague definition

Evocations of tenderness or derision

Eloquently used, often abused

Disguised ambush to differing views

What’s it all about then, what is love?

Orchestral strings, or all the above?

A glance at a woman, a look at the moon?

Anticipation, orgasm soon?

So what is love, a pain in the arse?

Ten seconds elation, a lifetime of farce

So what is love, the ultimate weapon?

Stick to beat you, cross to die on?

Perhaps all or none, only you can know

At the end of the day, it’s really your show

It can be what you want, your own fantasy

Something turns your mind on - it, she or he

Its not about others, its all about you

Don’t abuse others, but please don’t hurt you

Enjoy the sensation, enjoy the buzz

Embrace the whole concept, if only because

At the end of the day, you’re going to die

So what the hell, give it a try

It may hurt a bit, or maybe not

So get out there and give it a shot

Take a big risk, grab it by the throat

So its lousy weather? on with the coat

Get off your bum, give it a go

The secret of love is, you’ve got to show

That you want some too, before you die

So please, just for me, give it a try

And if its good, if it helps you grow

Become a life member, outwardly show

Then you can debate,

Is this love that I’ve got?

Does it really matter?

Not one lousy jot

Just ask yourself this

When you’re sipping Bordeaux

Does it add to my life?

Only you can know………….

Only you can know………….

Let’s

Let’s talk

Let’s talk

Let’s talk

Let’s talk

Let’s drink

Let’s drink

Let’s drink

Let’s drink

Let’s dance

Let’s dance

Let’s dance

Let’s dance

Let’s hold

Let’s hold

Let’s hold

Let’s hold

Lets kiss

Lets kiss

Lets kiss

Lets kiss

Let’s leave

Let’s leave

Let’s leave

Let’s leave

Let’s touch

Let’s touch

Let’s touch

Let’s touch

Let’s strip

Let’s strip

Let’s strip

Let’s strip

Let’s do it

Let’s do it

Let’s do it

Let’s do it

Let’s do it again

Let’s do it again

Let’s do it again

Let’s do it again

Let’s do it again

Let’s do it again

Let’s do it again

Let’s do it again

Let’s do it again

Let’s do it again

Let’s do it again

Let’s do it again

Let’s do it again

Let’s do it again

Let’s do it again

Let’s do it again

I’m a Coward

Going off to war

Never been before

Not really sure because

I’m a coward

Going to land

In a hostile land

I don’t want to be there

I’m a coward

I’m a coward

I’m not John Wayne or Clint Eastwood

I may act tough but I’m really just

A coward

Landed in the dirt

No white shirt

Please let me go home

I’m a coward

Marching to the front

Enemy to confront

Can’t cope with that

I’m a coward

Lying on my belly

Shaking like a jelly

Please make it stop

I’m a coward

Bombs are dropping now

I wish how

I was with my girl

I’m a coward

I’m a coward

I’m not John Wayne or Clint Eastwood

I may act tough but I’m really just

A coward

The man next to me

Has no knee

I can’t take this

I’m a coward

Why is war like this

Why’s he blown to bits

He was a married man

I’m a coward

I should flee

That could happen to me

I’d be buried here

I’m a coward

The bullet hit my pack

I’m on the rack

I’m getting pissed off

I’m a coward

I’m a coward

I’m not John Wayne or Clint Eastwood

I may act tough but I’m really just

A coward

Can’t think why

I should be the one to die

Better to fight

I’m a coward

Fire the gun

Take that one

I’m not done

I’m a coward

Nearly three weeks

Sunburned cheeks

Kicking ass

I’m a coward

White flag been raised

Through the haze

Soon be home

I’m a coward

Met by the wife

Back to my life

In Averageville

I’m a coward

I’m a coward

I’m not John Wayne or Clint Eastwood

I may act tough but I’m really just

A coward

But a coward can fight

When he has to

And I’ve realised there’s no shame

In being

A coward

I’ve Loved a ……….(lyric)

I’ve loved a sheik

He was so chic

Lots of mystique

He made me weak

I’ve loved a King

We read I-Ching

He gave me Ming

Oh what a fling

I’ve loved them all

I’ve had a ball

But I could only fall

For you

I’ve loved a Prince

We picked at quince

In his province

Not seen him since

I’ve loved a Lord

Most untoward

We flew Concorde

A nice reward

I’ve loved an Earl

I was his girl

He gave me pearl

Oh what a whirl

I’ve loved a Knight

Oh what a night

Oh what a sight

Oh what a height

I’ve loved them all

I’ve had a ball

But I could only fall

For you

Yes I could only fall

For you

For you

For you

For you

I could only fall for you……………….

My Beautiful Friend

Hello my beautiful Friend

You have called again

When I needed you

You are wise

You comfort me

With lies

You make my escape

So easy

You lead the path

Into the comfort of my mind

You know me

You know my darkest secrets

You protect me

From reality

Hello my beautiful Friend

You are killing me

Let me go

Please

You don’t understand

The cost

Of the fight

You don’t understand

The physical pain

I endure

To feed you

You don’t understand

The emotional despair

You create

You don’t understand

The love I kill

For you

Let me live

Let me be

Me

Please

You call me Lazarus

And I am

As I lay one emotion

To rest

You resurrect

Another

I know you mean well

And you helped me

Many years ago

We made a world

You and I

To allow me

To live

And I thank you

For that

Then I needed

But didn’t understand

You

Now I understand

But don’t need

You

My beautiful Friend

Even Friends

Say

Goodbye

People say

‘I am what I am’

But sometimes

I am

What they made me

Poem for Zaynab

I went to Penn Hall School

Thought it was really cool

Had a lovely day

So I thought I’d say....

Met Bill Workman there

He showed me places where

The students studied hard

Even abseiled in the yard

Went to room with Jayne

Time to use my brain

That could be a joke

I’m not the brainiest bloke

Kids all gathered round

For me to astound

Them with my talk and wit

Hope I’m not a twit

So sitting there in file

Are Ben and Brad and Niall

Kieron, Jon H and Jon P

And Zeynab facing me.

What a brainy bunch

It must be time for lunch?

Jayne who’s sitting nearby

Asks what kind of biscuit am I?

I knew I’d put on weight

I’d struggled with the gate

But now I am a chocolate chip?

Could that be a Freudian slip?

So I did my bit

And I must admit

I enjoyed you all

And not one angry brawl

I quite enjoyed myself

Hope you enjoyed yourself

I’ll say hello again

If you want me back at Penn

But if I come again

I’m going to catch a plane

Although it’s not too far

Because Jayne will nick my car

Kind regards

David

The Poker Song

About half past ten, me and the men

Go messin’ about on the river

To the pub or the club, wherever there’s grub

We’re messin’ about on the river

There are Aces and Kings and all sorts of pairs

Straights, trips and quads that you may get there

With shades on your face there’s no finer place

While messin about on the river

You’re beat by ten three and that shouldn’t be

They’ve caught you again on the river

And if you get in a race with your Seven and Ace

You’ll be messin about on the river

Raises and calls and lay downs and guts

Your opponents get cards referred to as nuts

With bullets in your hand, you just hadn’t planned

To be messin about on the river

You’ve got a small pair, trips could be there

I’ll call you right up to the river

And with two suited cards it can’t be that hard

To get a flush by the river

High cards and low cards and sevens you play

When it comes to the flop you don’t have a say

And when someone’s bluffing and you go with

Ace, King

You’re likely to lose on the river

I go on the net but all that I get

Is messing about on the river

My Ace Ace should sing but a five and a king

Becomes a full house on the river

I’ve bought some software that gives you odds

But it has no formula for playing stupid sods

It shows positive EV, but what do I see?

His twos are a flush by the river

So I play the pound games, but it’s just the same

Messin about on the river

And when I pull it off, they type in f… off

For messin about on the river

I’m put next to someone, all-in every hand

I know I have to just make a stand

So I get Ace Ace and stick that in his face

He gets three twos on the river

Group one is mine, I’m called by Group nine

I’m beaten again on the river

I do the sums, when I play with the bums

But they still wipe me out on the river

I know that a flush is one eighteen to one,

I’ve played thousands of hands but never got one

Stick the odds up your arse; I think they’re a farce

Odds are I’ll get screwed on the river

Negreaunu and Chan and Brunson the man

Try and steer clear of the river

They work out the odds, fleece the clods

Who hope for a card on the river

I play just like Reece so what’s going on?

I still don’t know where they’re coming from

Anyhow…… leave me alone, I’m not going home

I’m messin about on the river…..

I Knew….

The snow came down

She wore a frown

‘What’s wrong?’ I asked

I felt a clown

I know of course

Last night in bed

She didn’t look

Just merely said

‘I’m a little tired

That kind of day

Just one of those things

What can I say?’

Then she turned over

And nestled in

Perched on the edge

It was akin

To hiding away

Away from me

Her eyes closed tight

So not to see

So here we are

And that frown

And those eyes

Looking down

There’s someone else?

I heard me say

She looked at me

Then looked away

‘Why now?’ I asked

‘I thought life was good?

We have a new house

A nice neighbourhood’

‘There’s no other man

It’s more about me

Marriage is fine

But I want to be free’

I knew it was hopeless

I’d known all the time

I’d been lucky to get her

Proud she was mine

But some people play games

It’s just who they are

A flame to your moth

Your moon to their star

I knew it was hopeless

To ask her to stay

Tell her I adored her

There must be a way…?

So off she went

To pastures new

Never saw her again

But those that knew

Said she’d gone abroad

Maybe on a yacht

Or holed up in a villa

Smoking pot

They thought New York

And then L A

A sighting in Cannes

Where rich men play

And then it went quiet

The sightings rare

Maybe she’s here

Maybe she’s there..?

…

…

…

…

It’s been several years now

Since she was set free

No one has heard from her

But she contacts me

We talk quite often

Just her and me

Where she lays to rest

Under my tree….

The Price of Love (Female Version)

As he sits by the fire

With all he desires

His mansions

His boats

And his planes

He stares in his drink

Daring to think

Will he ever see

Me again

You can’t buy my love

I don’t sell my love

If you want my love

You have to love me

He used to take me away

Where the jet set play

Aspen

Paris

New York

Now he sits there alone

Quietly by the phone

For my call

And our intimate talk

He took me to Gerrards

With his credit cards

To buy diamonds

Rubies

And pearls

He now shops alone

Wants me to atone

For whatever I did

As his girl

You can’t buy my love

I don’t sell my love

If you want my love

You have to love me

On the yacht moored in Cannes

The two of us swam

With Kings

And Princes

And Sheiks

Alone on the prow

Where he’s sitting now

He remembers

The moon on my cheeks

At the French Grand Prix

I looked so lovely

In my beautiful

New Dior

Ball gown

Now it’s lying there

On the back of my chair

I won’t wear it again

On the town

You can’t buy my love

I don’t sell my love

If you want my love

You have to love me

My love you’re so rich

I bet you’re wondering which

Of your presents

Displeased me so

But all I wanted to do

Was be there with you

But I’m sure

You still want to know

I guess it seems clear to you now

But you wonder how

I did it

Without shame or remorse

Took all of your heart

Then tore it apart

I just wanted

Your money - of course

You can’t buy my love

I don’t sell my love

If you want my love

You have to love me

Well now that’s all clear

You’ve nothing to fear

You’ll never

See me again

There are plenty of girls

Who will give you their love

If you give them diamonds

Rubies and pearls

You can’t buy my love

I don’t sell my love

If you want my love

You have to love me

Too Late

There are times in your life when you realise

How much you failed to put in

How I moaned at the cost of a holiday

How much I needed to win

I should have spent more quality time

With the kids it is true

But instead of being with my family

I worked as my empire grew

As I watch my two lovely children

At play in the local pool

Splashing and giggling contentedly

I realise I was a fool

My wife is serving the coffee

She leans and her blouse opens up

Her eyes light up mischievously

It’s not just coffee in the cup

At work I watch the new manager

He’s looking a lot better these days

When he was just my deputy

I told him ‘only my ways’

I’m playing with my golfing partners

I hear one of them saying it’s good

That I no longer spoil the game

With my need to spill others blood

One of then got a hole in one

I was really quite pleased

It wouldn’t have been so long ago

I would have treated him as diseased

And then in the bar in the evening

I found it all quite nice

Usually whenever I’m there

The atmosphere could be cut with a knife

Then home in the dark of the evening

Where my wife is ready for bed

I watch as her long slim legs

Provocatively start to spread

That night she’s incredibly sensual

She moans and screams with delight

Her face bathed in perspiration

As it carries on into the night

But I can’t take anymore

So I walk out the door

To my home on the side of the hill

Where I’ll lie on my own forever alone

In my grave that’s quiet and still

S & M

In a world of promises

Many are unfulfilled

Many lie in tatters

Many have been killed

Others stay in darkness

A few behind closed doors

Some lurk behind closed curtains

Or lie in tatters on the floors

But maybe in amongst them

One or two are real

They can make your pulse race

Some can make you feel

It’s that one or two

That change things

It’s that one or two

That’s true

It’s that one or two

That matter

Just one or two

That’s you....

The rest of course

As we all know

Are just smoke and mirrors

Killer’s Eyes

We’d been together for ages

I didn’t pick up the first sign

We were out dancing with friends

She’d gone to the loo a long time

When she came back she looked a bit flustered

She smiled and said the next dance was mine

But when you look at the face of a killer

The eyes are as cold as ice

The only thing they tell you is

You’re going to pay a price

At then at the New Years Party

I assumed she’d had too much to drink

I found her in the kitchen

Pinned against the sink

With a hand stuck up her blouse

She giggled and gave me a wink

Later that night I questioned her

It developed into a row

She called me a jealous bastard

I called her a cow

But in the end she won me over

She can bend me like a bough

Then one night she was working late

I rang her to pick up some food

To be told they’d all gone hours ago

Now I’m in a foul mood

When she burst in she dragged me to bed

I soon forgot my attitude

Then one day I found out about him

A friend from work told me

Said they’d been doing it ages

For all the world to see

She smiled and said it was all nonsense

Her only love was me

Of course it was going to happen

I felt ill at work one day

Getting home late that morning

I could hear them both at play

As she looked up at me from the bed

She assured me it would be ok

I went down stairs to the kitchen

To the knife rack on the wall

Then went back up to the bedroom

He was the first one to fall

With tears in her eyes she looked at me

But she died on the floor in the hall

Because when you look at the face of a killer

The eyes are as cold as ice

The only thing they tell you is

You’re going to pay a price

A Student (blues lyric)

When I met you baby

You promised me the moon

When I met you baby

You promised me the moon

You said you’d show me things

We’d stay in bed till noon

You said that you would teach me

Things I didn’t know

But it looks like students teaching

Teacher how to grow

Cause I’m an A student baby

And I majored in love

Yes I’m an A student baby

And I majored in love

You said you were a lover

Maybe others think you are

You said you were a lover

Maybe others think you are

But come on pretty baby

You ain’t been lovin very far

I’m an A student baby

I know all there is to know

I’m an A student baby

I know all there is to know

So open up your mind babe

Let’s make the juices flow

Baby you look tired now

Did I take your best from you?

Baby you look tired now

Did I take your best from you?

Just turnover honey

Sleep is calling you

I’m an A student baby

And I majored in love

Yes I’m an A student baby

And I majored in love

I Take Them Out

My jobs different to most other men

Don’t work many hours

Just work now and then

I’m a sort of consultant

I cut out the waste

Just me and my trusty briefcase

A letter in the mail no return address

Photograph of someone

Who’s caused a bit of stress

I read all the details

Memorise the face

Put what I need in my briefcase

I’m like a concierge

With a lot of clout

But I don’t invite them in

I take them out

I take them out

I take them out

Up the path I walk to his front door

Gently push the bell

Spread my feet on the floor

Watch behind the sunglasses

As he shows his face

The gun ends his days with the human race

I’m like a concierge

With a lot of clout

But I don’t invite them in

I take them out

I take them out

I take them out

Just the other day I was driving in a car

Thirty yards behind

A man who’d stole a Renoir

From a client of mine

Who was a touch distressed

So was the man as the bomb ripped through his vest

So if you have a problem with a fool or such

Don’t get over stressed

Just get in touch

I’ll solve all the problems

Please don’t have a doubt

I’ll quite simply take them out

I’m like a concierge

With a lot of clout

But I don’t invite them in

I take them out

I take them out

I take them out

Susie

Susie more, penny less

Once it was steak

Now egg and cress

No more nights

With the boys

Expensive holidays

Electronic toys

Or the races

Or the coast

I stay at home

She gives me toast.....

Susie more, penny less

My debit card

Is ill with stress

No more money

Just the bills

I get receipts

From jingling tills

They tell me

I’m in a mess

Susie more

Penny less

Susie more, penny less

My lovely home

Now an address

The king size bed

With lots of space

Is now an edge

My new place

Where I sleep

Where I dream

Of being alone

And should have been.......

Of cars

And girls

And bottles of bubbly

Bought in meals

Chin that’s stubbly

Money, cards, bottles of wine

Expensive watches

Clothes so fine

But it’s all gone

And I guess

It’s because

Susie more

Penny less

The Meeting

Imagine this if you dare

What happens if

You stop and stare

At a man

Who isn’t me

But is the one

Who’ll set you free?

Of course you don’t know

Waiting there

If the man

With the pure white hair

Is the man

Of your dreams

Of wooded glades

And sparkling streams

And you’ll be scared

As minutes pass

The sand sinks lower

In the glass

What am I doing?

Why am I here?

I don’t need this

I don’t need fear

He could be mad

He could be bad

I could be thinking

God, you’re sad

You may write well

But it’s just a front

A fancy gimmick

A seductive stunt

It’ll soon be time

I could still go

Or more legit

Be stuck in snow

Perhaps high winds

Will ground the planes

Or raging seas

The ferries bane

I need a drink

Should be plural

Perhaps I’m ill

My poorly pleural

Oh my God

What a balls up

What happens if

He’s wearing make up?

Oh Jesus Christ

Its getting worse

What happens if

He tries to coerce

Me into having sex

What will I do?

Smack him till

He’s black and blue?

I can’t take this

I’ve got to go

It’s not too late

And he may not show

I’m in two worlds

Pulling me apart

Get out says brain

Stay says heart

I rarely swear

I’m a woman of class

But you can stick this

Up your ass

It was stupid of me

To ask him here

Just had a thought

He may be queer

That made me jump!

The shoulder tap

I turn around

And there’s a chap

Without the horns

Without the tail

The fiery eyes

Scorching exhale

My god it’s him

He’s just a man

Perhaps it may

Go all to plan

Start as friends

Where will it go?

Will he end up

As my beau?

A little awkward

But we’ll be fine

A warming fire

A glass of wine

I’ll ask him

About his books

He’ll complement me

On my looks

And so we’ll chat

Like old mates

Just ramble on

While we await

The thing that tells us

As we sit there

Just good friends?

Embryonic pair?

Going Home

I’m leaving deepest darkest space

I’ve represented human race

I’m going home

Hundred light years left to go

I’m not going very slow

I’m going home

Pluto’s looking very nice

But it’s just a block of ice

I’m going home

Rat-tat – tat tat tat – tat tat tat - tat tat

I’m going home

Rat-tat – tat tat tat – tat tat tat - tat tat

I’m going home

Neptune’s blue as I pass

But it’s just the methane gas

I’m going home

Uranus has eleven rings

But from earth you see nothing

I’m going home

Saturn’s lovely rings I see

But it’s far too cold for me

I’m going home

Rat-tat – tat tat tat – tat tat tat - tat tat

I’m going home

Rat-tat – tat tat tat – tat tat tat - tat tat

I’m going home

Jupiter’s just about the best

Three times bigger than all the rest

I’m going home

Mars appears as though it’s red

But its only rust instead

I’m going home

Just going down to earth

Just time for me to berth

I’m going home

Rat-tat – tat tat tat – tat tat tat - tat tat

I’m going home

Rat-tat – tat tat tat – tat tat tat - tat tat

I’m going home

Now I’m driving in my car

Not getting very far

I’m going home

As I walk in through the door

A note said ‘Don’t want you no more’

I’m going home

Although I’m deeply hurt

I’ve still got the Universe

I’m going home

So I hurtle out to space

I represent the human race

I’m going home

Rat-tat – tat tat tat – tat tat tat - tat tat

I’m going home

Rat-tat – tat tat tat – tat tat tat - tat tat

I’m going home

I’m going home

I’m going home

I’m going home

I’m going home

I’m going home

I’m going homeYour House

Your House

I like visiting your house

It’s warm and inviting

Full of mischief and secrets

And lots of back biting

Unlike proper houses

You start at the top

The top floor is exciting

Like perusing a shop

It’s the one that attracts you

It catches your eye

It gives information

It flirts yet it’s shy

It’s playful, enquiring

It’s dragging you in

To its hidden pleasures

To a lifetime of sin

Its tells you, you hope

Of things even more

Of feelings and fantasies

Down the on next floor

You go gently down

Wish you’d had a gin

But you open the drapes

And let yourself in

It’s lovely and soft

But its lace covered too

So you slowly remove it

Try not to miscue

You look in admiration

At what you see there

The house and its secrets

You’re beginning to bare

So you linger awhile

You touch and you feel

The textures and dimples

With their magnetic appeal

But its time to move on

There’s another floor to see

And I’ve got permission

Lucky old me

The next floors quite special

If you can go there

It’s warm and inviting

It’s the place where

Very few people

Get to visit or see

But it’s my special day

Today you allow me

To enter the sanctum

So I go slowly in

The walls feel so close

And soft as satin

I go farther in

Where you want me to be

You let me move round

You let me feel free

The room suddenly feels large

I feel totally at ease

I want to visit you again

Please let me

Please

The beast

Look....

The craven beast

He grovels in his pen

His cage

His battery

Where he waits

To die

Watch him

On all fours

Watch him

Look in his eyes

You see the fear?

In his eyes?

That shows you

His place

In our world

He will die soon

He knows it

We know it

It’s just a matter of time

Our time

Our choice

And he knows it

We tell him

Quite often

He shakes with fear

Look in his eyes

See

See

Look

More closely

That’s not fear

Its terror

Dread

He is rigid with fear

Isn’t that funny

Look at him

Animal

Beast

And you know what we do with beasts?

He does

And he knows it’s him next

He just doesn’t know when

And so he grovels there

Animal like

Beast like

And waits

To die......

Mynoe 23 (A Company selling fibreglass products)

Mynoe is my Shepherd

I want

It makes me to lie down in green fibreglass

It leadeth me beside the slow time clock

It destroyeth my soul

It leadeth me in the paths of unrighteousness

For profits sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley

Of the shadow of unpaid overtime

I will feel no bitterness

For though art with me

Thy cattle prod and thy staff

They comfort me

Though preparest a final warning before me

in the presence of mine fellow workers

Thou annointest my head with propaganda

My cup runneth over

Surely tiredness and scurvy

Shall follow me all the days of my life

And I will dwell in the house of Mynoe Forever

Ode to Dave - from Gordon

Thank you for my new house

It’s very smart

Lovely smooth finish

A work of art

Its curves are so gentle

The colour serene

The neck almost swan like

It’s just like I’ve been

Here for years

Away from all harm

My blanket of moss-peat

So snugly and warm

It was quite a while though

You left me without

I just couldn’t breathe

But I couldn’t shout

My roots were compressed

My limbs sagging loose

My colour lacklustre

My trunk in a noose

I’ll tell you what

God, that pot was tight

Another day of that

Would’ve meant one last night

I thought it was over

I thought that was it

Call from Head Cheese Plant

Telling me to split

Then you came along

With B and Q’s best

A big pretty thing

Fit me like a vest

You came through in the end Dave

I didn’t think you would

My bags were packed

I was going down were I stood

For the new house I’m grateful

But, without sounding absurd

There’s one little point

One little word

You did it when you first had me

Then I meant a lot

You showed me your friends

Showed off what I’d got

Large swaying leaves

A beautiful green

A mirror like surface

A wonderful sheen

But then I was history

Some other floozy

Silk crap from China

Sending you woozy

Oh yes I got water

(When you remembered)

When I’m nearly dead

My roots were so tender

What would have helped

When you weren’t plastered

Was some bloody food

You tight fisted bastard!

Yours sincerely

Gordon Gorgonzola

(The Cheese Plant)

My Will Be Done?

I smacked it in the face

People looked at me in apprehension

‘You shouldn’t do that’

I will do what I like

I walked over to it

It was half hidden

As if that would make a difference

I hit again

A while ago

It would have smiled at me

Its face creased in a stupid grin

But not now

After all these years

Of being hit

It had found a way

To defy, without sneering

I tensed and hit again

It moved to the left

As if to escape

There is no escape

There is no escape

If I cannot find you

Another will

Equally committed

I hit again

It moved right

My anger increased

My face reddened

One more thump

Aimed just so…..

I took my arm back

Take that!

Just a graze, damn

No matter

Nearly there now

Nearly over

I had it now

It was mine

A softer blow

A softer one still

It was down

Motionless

I should leave it there

Out of sight

I had won

Man’s battle to be supreme

Embodied, exemplified

In a titanic battle of wills

What a battle

I had shown them

‘Shouldn’t do that’ indeed

Indeed?

In four hours or so

It will all be over

Sweat drenched, stained

Pulse racing

But on it goes

This battle

Each and every Saturday

The golf ball must never win……

The little child

With the

Tortured mind

and

Angelic smile

All designed

To survive

In a hostile world

Page 3 Girl

I used to have a girl

Together since our teens

She was pretty then and fabulous now

But a camera intervened

She says it doesn’t matter

But it does to me

It hurts when every man’s having an affair

With my girl on page three

I know I’m just old fashioned

And I tried hard for a while

But I want my girl to be naked for me

Not on page three

So now I’ve lost my girl

She’s no longer just for me

She is there for all to see

Naked on page three

Aphrodite Revealed

My life was ok

I worked in the day

Then went home to my husband and kid

To cook the night meal

Watch the TV

Then to sleep I quickly slid

And then one day

It was all blown away

Seeing you across the aisle in the store

When I looked in your eyes

It was obvious to me

Life would not be the same anymore

When you bought me a drink

I didn’t think

I’d be seeing you later that week

But I arrived at your house

Terrified to death

The whole of my body felt weak

Your were soothing and kind

That eased my mind

You helped me off with my coat

Then holding my hand

Gently pulling me close

You softly kissed my throat

I’ve been kissed for years

But I fought back tears

As the electricity exploded through me

Then you looked in my eyes

And I realised

What was going to be

At that point you left me

To go and make tea

To make me feel secure

Then we chatted a while

And you gave me that smile

Took my hand and opened the door

The bedroom was cool

I felt like a fool

A married woman with kids and a man

But I knew what I wanted

What fate had presented

It was obviously part of life’s plan

I looked into your eyes

Then softly sighed

As you started undressing me

I was held in your gaze

The clothes slid away

I was naked for you to see

You put me in bed

Kissed the top of my head

I watched as your clothes softly fell

Then you lay down beside me

Pulling me close

Wrapping me in your magic spell

Now I’ve made love before

In the bed, on the floor

In the kitchen, the back seat of the car

But I can honestly say

That I was carried away

I’ve never been taken this far

I moaned then I screamed

As I’d only dreamed

This could happen in my fantasy

But as I lay on his bed

I had to believe

Because it was happening to me

We did things that night

I’d refused outright

When they’d been suggested before

But with you it was good

And quite natural

With my secret sexual mentor

It lasted forever

Climbing ever higher

Until my body could take no more

You helped me to dress

Kissed me goodbye

Then I walked through the door

It Takes Two..

Oh God

Where does she find them?

Why doesn’t she settle down

With someone

Competent?

Here we go

Seen it all before

Unfortunately

What a trollop

Has she no class?

What happened to genetic screening?

To mating with

The Leader of the Pack?

But this…..?

Ughh

Ok here we go

Grab a handful

Thank God they don’t

Get concussion

Damp palms

What is he thinking about?

Dread to think

Whatever it is

She’ll

Say yes

For now

Bloody hell

The pain!

What is he doing?

It’s supposed to be nice!

Moron

Who (or what)

Was your last date?

You must be joking…

This should be fun

This could take all night

Based on your low forehead

And dragging knuckles

Ok

Stopwatch on

And see if he does it

Before the battery runs out

Or the sun

Runs out of fuel

Fumble for top button

One hand

Fingers too big

Too hard

Too smokey brown

Two hands now

Nearly, nearly

Good try (?)

Ok

Lets ruin it altogether

Look at what you are trying to do

If that helps

You

Well the buttons are undone

Like my ladies passion

But she waits

Patiently

Like a cat on heat

Take the top off

Take the top off!

Have you no brains at all?

You can’t undo buttons?

How can you undo me?

With a top on?

Neanderthal

You should be in a zoo

Picking at fur

Smelling bums

Swinging from trees

Don’t make us laugh

One handed?

Oh please….

(I think sarcastically)

You have the sensitivity

Of a cobblers last

It should be your last

Not like that

Idiot

Do you think I’m from

Planet Velcro

Ow….!

Cretin

Oh for Christ’s sake

Use two hands

That’s better

Pathetic

But better

Do you realise

Fourteen-year-old boys

Can do better than this

Well…should do

Stopwatch

Like sun

Running out of energy

Almost there

One more good tug

As you’ve practiced it enough

Today

Should do it

There you go

You beam

Like a child

Just done a sum

For the first time

Or said

Dada

Mama

And now I am discarded

My lady stands there

Resplendent

Exposed

Eyes wild

For the climax

I wait

From my position

Draped over

The settee

Without obstructions now

He is fondling her

Groping

Sucking

Kneading

Biting

I see the glint

In her eye

She is getting

Very close

Her breathing deepens

Her eyes dilate

Her pulse races

She raises her arms

Behind her head

Thrusting her bosom

(That I was just protecting)

In an ever increasing

Erotic position

She opens

Her legs

Slightly

Knees moving apart

Enticing

He, the beast

Notices

Einstein

He may not be

But neither is he slow

Lust

Masks his face

Enters

His body

Becomes

All consuming

Any time now

I see the signs

She is nearly there

Just one more

Little

Movement

There it is!

She reached down

Lifts her skirt slightly

Provocatively

Rubs her thigh

And says

Reaching for her blouse

‘Pity I’m on…..’

Game, set and match

Next…………..

Rosie

Came to my house

Black Saab, summer frock

Smile

Eight hundred miles

To bring a smile

Into my life

That’s a long way

Not as far as Africa, it’s true

But a long way

To travel

To find

What’s missing…..

And risky

Not lions, or insects, or snakes

To hurt you

Worse than that

A predator that leaves lasting wounds

Man…….

So Rosie came to my house

Black Saab, summer frock

Smile

Eight hundred miles

To bring a smile

For a man she didn’t know

Woman, nurse, designer, PA

One woman Charity

Child

With eyes

That light up in wonder

At simple things

The man was ok

He has

Which she saw, but didn’t see

Child like qualities

Like her

And she felt safe

After five hours Rosie left

Smiling

Happy

Pleased

Relieved

Safe………

To return again, soon

In her Black Saab, summer frock

Smile

Eight hundred miles

To bring a smile

To a man who waits……

The lonely road

That I have walked

The empty days

When I have talked

To no one

The dark, bleak nights

The tortured sleep

The teddy bear

On which I weep

My darling

I will love you forever

If you will take me

Away from this

Second Best

Usually second best

Is what you settle for

Because you don’t believe

You deserve much more

As I sit at my desk in the works

And my boss comes in and moans

I’d love to tell him to stick his job

But I just inwardly groan

I wanted to be a pilot

To navigate the skies

But I’m stuck in this awful job

Helping ship pork pies

I read wonderful biographies

About men and women who

Explored the world or found a cure

Their goal they did pursue

I would like to be like that

Courageous and roam free

But all I do is sit and read

Under this old oak tree

And as I walk along the river bank

With my girlfriend of two years

I look at her and wonder why

She thinks that I’m sincere

She’s not really what I want

But alas she’s what I’ve got

How I yearn for someone different

I’ve really lost the plot

Usually second best

Is what you settle for

Because you don’t believe

You deserve much more

The Dark Side

Come to the dark side

And experience things you’ve only fantasised before

Come to the dark side

You’ve led a quiet life

You’re not known to the law

Now I want you to forget

All that’s gone before

Come to the dark side

There’s more fun over here

We do as we like

If you want to eat you eat

You wanna fight, you fight

Come to the dark side

Eat a little bit of this

Pop a little bit of that

Snort a little bit of this

Drink a lot of that

Come to the dark side

Come to the dark side

And experience things you’ve only fantasised before

Come to the dark side

Perhaps you want her

Or perhaps you want him

Here it doesn’t matter

You can even have them

Come to the dark side

Now you’re getting to it

Really blow your mind

Experience the pain

Don’t get left behind

Come to the dark side

Now you smell the colours

Now you hear the air

Everything is happening

Darkness everywhere

You’re on the dark side

Come to the dark side

And experience things you’ve only fantasised before

Come to the dark side

What Things Are Made Of…

Walls

Are made from

Stone

Brick

Iron

Inhibitions

Roads

Are made from

Stone

Tarmac

Pavoir

Preconceptions

Fires

Are made from

Paper

Wood

Coal

Resentment

Bullets

Are made from

Lead

Magnesium

Rubber

Rage

Flight

Is made from

Aeroplanes

Helicopters

Gliding

Fear

Restraint

Is made from

Ropes

Illness

Drugs

Fear

Weights

Are made from

Iron

Lead

Ballast

Responsibilities

Windows

Are made from

Glass

Perspex

Space

Enlightenment

Choices

Are made from

Dice

Coins

Brochures

Freedom

Tiger

Tiger

Tiger

In your cage

Why are you

So filled with rage?

You and Us

It seems to me

That you can be

Summed up

Without much fuss

There is one word

That says it all

And that word is ‘us’

You are so

Mysterious, imperious, sumptuous

You look so

Glamorous, voluptuous, beauteous

You act so

Rebellious, notorious, precocious

Your humour so

Hilarious, ridiculous, notorious

Your body so

Luscious, sensuous, envious

Your pleasure so

Lascivious, delirious, copious

It seems to me

That you can be

Summed up

Without much fuss

There is one word

That says it all

And that word is ‘us’

You

You are beautiful

I love you oh so much

You are beautiful

I love your gentle touch

You are sexy

I love the way you walk

You are sexy

I love the way you talk

You are feminine

You dress with so much flair

You are feminine

The way you do your hair

Please don’t leave me

I wouldn’t see your face again

Please don’t leave me

I wouldn’t see your grace again

You are sultry

When you look at me that way

You are sultry

When you want to play

You are classy

In the clothes you wear

You are classy

You don’t need a premier

You are sensual

I love the things you do

You are sensual

Hardly ingénue

You are everything

I wanted a woman to be

You are everything

Everything to me

Please don’t leave me

I wouldn’t see your face again

Please don’t leave me

I wouldn’t see your grace again

But you are fickle

You move from man to man

You are fickle

You find love where you can

And you are lonely

Deep inside your heart

You are lonely

Though you may look very smart

You want love

You were getting it from me

You want love

But for you it’s fantasy

But I still love you

Even though you find love hard

I still love you

I’ll even play your poor charade

You’re still everything

I ever wanted a woman to be

You are everything

To me

Please don’t leave me

I wouldn’t see your face again

Please don’t leave me

I wouldn’t see your grace again

The Other Man

You’re late from work again

Can’t you see my pain?

As you walk through the door

I can’t take much more

What will be the excuse?

They get more obtuse

I force a foolish grin

And offer you a gin

We play this game

Every day

Why don’t you go?

Why do you stay?

Why do you kill me?

From within

With my own love

That deadly toxin

How long has it been?

Since you’ve been seeing

The other man you see

Who you prefer to me

But I still wait in hope

Although I hardly cope

And when you go to work

I could go berserk

Tonight you yawned again

Turned out the light

You were asleep quite soon

I stared at the moon

Oh please my love come back

Again let me reclaim

Into my life

A loving wife

We play this game

Every day

Why don’t you go?

Why do you stay?

Why do you kill me?

From within

With my own love

That deadly toxin

Time

In 2 days…….

48 hours

2880 minutes

172,800 seconds

The earth rotates 48,000 miles on its axis

The earth orbits 3,196,800 miles around the sun

The sun orbits 23,184,000 miles around the galaxy

The galaxy travels 624,000,000 miles towards the Hydra Constellation

The galaxy travels 1,104,000,000 miles through the Universe

I’ll be knackered by Saturday..

.. break

Time

In 2 days…….

48 hours

2880 minutes

172,800 seconds

The earth rotates 48,000 miles on its axis

The earth orbits 3,196,800 miles around the sun

The sun orbits 23,184,000 miles around the galaxy

The galaxy travels 624,000,000 miles towards the Hydra Constellation

The galaxy travels 1,104,000,000 miles through the Universe

I’ll be knackered by Saturday..

..

Secret Love

I see you waiting

Under the lamp light

As I round the corner in my car

My heart pounding ever quicker

I have travelled oh so far

To be with you

For a short time

You look so lovely

Oh my darling

As we head out to the wood

Where I’ll fumble with your buttons

Which will make me

Feel so good

For a short time

Oh my darling

How I love you

How I yearn to make you mine

To be near you

To be with you

For more than

A short time

It was wonderful

Quite ecstatic

What you did as I lay there

On the back seat, windows steaming

Moonlight glistening

On your hair

For a short time

I took you back then

Breathing deeply

My trembling hand upon your knee

I wished you could stay longer

Just a little

Just for me

For a short time

As I dropped you

Under the lamp light

Then I slowly drove away

I watched you in the mirror

Get in another car

To play

For a short time

But I know that

You don’t love them

That one-day we’ll set a date

Living happily forever

But for now

I have to wait

For a short time

I look forward

Oh my darling

To seeing you in two weeks time

Under the lamplight

Round the corner

Waiting to be mine

For a short time

Oh my darling

How I love you

How I yearn to make you mine

To be near you

To be with you

For more than

A short time

Someone To Love Me

All I want in my life

To help me feel whole

Is a partner

Tuned into my soul

I’ll meet them

Romance them

Sweep them off their feet

I would make diamonds from coal

Where are you going?

Let me go with you

We’d make a good couple

Just you and me

I look into the eyes

Of people walking by me

Would they love me?

Would they care?

I have so much to offer

So much to give you

Please smile at me

Give me a hint with a stare

I am lost without someone

Someone to love me

Without them there

I feel so alone

I want love so badly

Would love you so madly

I ask very little

Just give me a home

Where are you going?

Let me go with you

We’d make a good couple

Just you and me

A Long Suicide

I love you so much

I thrill at your touch

I’d kill if I lost your smile

But when we go out you flirt

In your leggy skirt

For the men who just want to defile

You hurt me when you do that

I die some when you do that

You’re taking my life

With your fun and games

Can’t you see that I’m dying

Although I’m trying

To hide

This long suicide

You wear low cut blouses

That voluptuously houses

Your cleavage that goes ever down

You drop things on the floor

So they can see more

While I look on like a clown

I know you see men

Every now and then

You think it’s dangerous and fun

But what about me

You have no conception you see

Of my pain in what you’ve done

You hurt me when you do that

I die some when you do that

You’re taking my life

With your fun and games

Can’t you see that I’m dying

Although I’m trying

To hide

This long suicide

To Os

A life of fear

A million tears

An aching head

A heart so dead

Frozen feet

Stuck in time

Lots of thoughts

None are mine

A smiling face

A broken soul

A life not mine

A life controlled

Then I met you

Two decades ago

I remember then

I remember now

In a room

You with your boss

I did my act

Quite at a loss

You accepted me

In more ways than one

I found a friend

I found a home

From then on

I had an ear

Someone to talk to

I didn’t fear

It took a while

For me to learn

It’s been twenty years

Sequel

When you died

I thought I had lost

The world

You were my friend

Although

In twenty years

I actually told you nothing

And then I found out why

You took my money

When I was vulnerable

The Future

Where are you

My future

Where?

What are you?

My future

What?

Who are you?

My future

Who?

The swirling mists

Give hints

That are obscured

By confusion

Tantalising moments

Of clarity

Snatched away

To be replaced

By

By…..?

Did you know?

Said the blind man

That those

That can see

Don’t hear?

No one

Answered……….

And so

It goes on

Until

It stops…….

Doe To Vole (The Dyslexics Lament)

I am peedly in vole

Peedly in vole

With you

I knead you

Every day

Every day

I long four you

And yet you

Ignaw me

My condiments

Pass you bye

Why my vole

Do you look at otters?

When I am hear

Your night

In chiming harmer

I send you letus

Write you versus

I call you

On the phoney

I talk

You only listerine

Last knight I preyed

To dog

In Haven

To help me

Get your vole

But he did not here

He must have bean

Listerine to Simone else

Why my vole?

I vole your yees

I vole your feca

I vole your stub

I vole your gels

I vole your sleank

I vole your hole bydo

And the thought

Of what I will do

With your virginia

Leaves me gassing

For hair

So my vole

Please right back

And tell me

You vole me

Yours trudy

Vaddi C Naujlerdl

True Love…..?

You are, she said

No good in bed

You are, in fact

Quite boring

You cannot kiss

Your insertions miss

And your love-bites

Are quite gnawing

Your feet go pong

Your dong is wrong

Your pants are stiff

And gruesome

And when you sweat

You can bet

It ruins any twosome

Your matted arms

That creak and groan

Your runny nose

That runs alone

The hidden toupee

That all can see

The waxy ears

That hide a tree

Your spotty bum

And sagging belly

Cataract eyes

Fixed on the tele

While we’re enjoined

In glacial passion

Cuban heels

Once in fashion

Why do I do this?

Bump and grind

In the front

And now behind

In my earhole

Up my snout

And….

Excuse me….

While I spit this out

Why do I do this?

Degrade myself

I’d be better

On the shelf

I was going to study

Be a fillosoffer

Then go to Paris and be a poet and write

beautiful rhyming poetry about the moon in
April

But it never happened

I was defiled

I had no choice

I was just a child

I didn’t realise

What we were doing

And we had to wed

That’s my undoing

It was a shame

We lost the thing

A few days after

I got the ring

Another tragedy

In my unhappy life

Now I am a

Childless wife

It’s not the diamonds

Or silk blouses

Or boats

Or planes

Or palatial houses

That keeps us together

Man and wife

It’s love

Of course

Upon my life….

Well…. yes

He’s eighty

And I’m….

Not

Well yes I know

That’s not so young

Who told you about

His iron lung?

Now please be careful

What you say

Or you will get

A writ today

It would be libelous

And most unfair

To suggest

We’re together

Because he’s a

Billionaire

Who breaks a butterfly upon a wheel?

Who breaks a butterfly upon a wheel?

Why do they do it?

Why do they steal?

A life....?

Who throws a cat from somewhere high?

Hurtling down

To die....

For pleasure......?

Who abuses a tiny child?

Who is meek

And mild

For power....?

Who shouts and screams abuse?

Into the peace

We use

For living?

Who leaves a tiny child alone?

Someone who

Is stone

And not alive

Who lives a life consumed with fear?

On the edge of death

So very near

To peace

And what is old, but young?

Weak, but strong

I am….

Waiting

We had gazed at each other

For fifteen years

Occasionally kissing

Occasionally touching

Occasionally more

It mattered not

You were married

I, doing my own thing

When we met it was good

Two close friends together for a moment

Wrong, but good

And then that night

The usual kiss

Oh how you could kiss

Warm, gentle

Passionate

And then that moment

When my brain exploded

Blood pounded through my body

Drained me of my will

Made me faint

It was you!

All those years searching

For someone to be with

Somewhere to belong

It was you!

And you felt the same!

Increasing meetings

Nights together

Passion abounding

Plans laid

Future planned

I waited

Husband to tell

Then it was hell

You moved in

You moved back

I waited

You stayed

I waited

He left

More plans

I waited

And then we were together

Sort of

There were things to be cleared up

To put right

Best not to rush

Plenty of time

I waited

Things sorted out now

The husband

The money

The job

The split

Your life good

I waited

Times getting better

Holiday abroad

Dinners out

Live together now?

Soon…

I waited

Then you said

‘Goodbye…’

And the waiting was over

A Cuddle

A cuddle is a little thing

No slap up dinner or diamond ring

It fills you up it makes you whole

It repairs the bleeding soul

It tells you that someone is there

When you need someone to care

It gives you strength to go on

In the night when you’re alone

There are times when things seem pointless

Eating, sleeping, ever restless

Then someone holds you, someone dear

Holds you tight holds you near

Transmits to you love and care

Someone’s there

Someone’s there………

Yours tonight

It’s time to go

Its time to show

Its time to flow

With someone new

Its time to choose

Time to peruse

Work out who’s

The man tonight

Who’s that one there?

He’s worth a stare

He’d take me there

I bet he would

He won’t refuse

To light me fuse

Come on lets cruise

And get our man

Oh baby you

Yes you

Yes you

I mean you

Oh let me be

Let me be

Let me be

Yours tonight

Yours tonight

Yours tonight

Yours tonight

Yours tonight

Marion

I’m going to tell you about Marion

The most wonderful thing in my life

Because very soon I intend to ask

Marion to be my wife

But lately I’ve become a bit bothered

About a few things not right

So I thought I’d tell you about them

Before I make her my wife

Marion complains I lack commitment

But that just isn’t fair

I travel the length of the country

If Man U are playing, I’m there

Marion moans about my dress sense

I’m damned if I can tell why

A tee-shirt and jeans go with anything

Who needs a suit and a tie?

Marion says I lack concentration

What a lot of nonsense she talks

It’s not that I la….dah dah dah

Dah dah dah dah dah dah

Marion moans we don’t do foreplay

Like her friends Janet and Rolf

But when I go to bed I want sex

I’ve don’t want to talk about golf

Marion says I’m not very romantic

I think she’s being a bit hard

On the way home I get her nice flowers

Wrapped in chip paper from the graveyard

Marion’s far too demanding for me

I’ve realised from this discussion with you

I should be with another woman

Who likes doing the things that I do

Oh women are so demanding

They think that they’re always right

You treat them as though they’re Princesses

They think you’re a troglodyte

As You Lie

I watch you sleeping gently

Your deep soft breathing

Pulls at my heart

I love you so very truly

As I have done from the start

I watch as you turn over

The prying moonlight

Seeks your soft skin

I adore you as you lie there

I’m truly happy you let me in

I could have woken you

From your slumber

For my pleasure

To satisfy

But you look so

Pure and peaceful

I’ll just watch you

As you lie

I watch for your hand to find me

Making sure that

I’m still there

And having found me you smile gently

And you wonder why I care

I watch as your senses heighten

The barking dog

Invades your sleep

You move slightly for a moment

Then go down so very deep

I watch the sun sit softly

Upon your face

It glows like gold

I could lie and watch you forever

Just stay here until we’re old

I watch as you slowly open

Your sleepy eyes

To look at me

You move closer to my body

To immerse yourself with me

I could have woken you

From your slumber

For my pleasure

To satisfy

But you look so

Pure and peaceful

I’ll just watch you

As you lie

Gonna Lose My Innocence (Lyric)

Gonna be a bad girl

Tonight

Not going down without

A fight

But gonna lose my innocence

Tonight

All the other girls know

What it’s like to feel sooooo

I wanna feel soooo

I’m gonna lose my innocence

Katie was the first to show

Katie was the first to go

Katie was the first to know

I wanna lose my innocence

She’s lost her innocence

They’ve lost their innocence

Everyone’s lost their innocence

It’s time I lost my innocence

It’s going to be tonight

It’s going to be tonight

Yes, yes, yes, yes

It’s going to be tonight

Gonna be a bad girl

Tonight

Not going down without

A fight

But gonna lose my innocence

Tonight

Debbie was the next to go

Said it was a fiasco

He went fast she went slow

Still wanna lose my innocence

Karen said it was a breeze

Karen lost it under trees

Karen said he hurt his knees

I wanna lose my innocence

Gonna be a bad girl

Tonight

Not going down without

A fight

But gonna lose my innocence

Tonight

Robbie’s coming to pick me up

In his bench seat pick up truck

Then with just a bit of luck

I’m gonna lose my innocence

Robbie says its only fair

That I let him take me there

Robbie says that he’ll still care

I’m gonna lose my innocence

Gonna be a bad girl

Tonight

Not going down without

A fight

But gonna lose my innocence

Tonight

Goodbye My Friend

Goodbye my friend

Goodbye

You’ve been beside me all my life

Through all the pain

Through all the strife

You were close to me

We were man and wife

Goodbye my friend

Goodbye

You’ve kept me safe

Through all the years

We’ve shed some tears

Goodbye my friend

Goodbye

I thought you had been bad

That loving me was sad

But now I see that I too gained

It helped me live

It fought the pain

Goodbye my friend goodbye

Sorry I didn’t try

To understand your love before

But I was scared

Behind the door

Goodbye my love goodbye

Now I’m going to try

To start a life

With someone new

She’ll treat me well

Like you used to

Goodbye my love

Goodbye

Be peaceful now, please lie

I can live now, on my own

The flower has grown

From the seeds you’ve sown

Goodbye my love

Goodbye

You never made me cry

You saw a child in dreadful pain

Tortured body, going insane

Without the love it craved

From parents so depraved

Goodbye my love

Goodbye

Please, no, not that sigh

Its time has come now

We knew it would

We were flesh and blood

It was very good

Very, very good

Goodbye my love

Goodbye

Please try not to cry

Although without you

You’ll be there

I know you care

But goodbye

Goodbye my love

Goodbye……..

It Was You

I knew one day I’d meet

Someone quite sweet

And I’m very glad

It was you

Of all the men it was you

Couldn’t believe it was true

Out of the blue

It was you

You dined and romanced me

Kissed and caressed me

Someone to undress me

It was you

You met all my friends

You spent weekends

I was very proud

It was you

And then one starry night

Two lovers took flight

I knew one of them

It was you

Of all the men it was you

Couldn’t believe it was true

Out of the dark

It was you

You broke my heart

You tore it apart

One day a fresh start

Without you

He’s Going Home

What a wonderful time

On the hills

For a climb

But now it’s that time

He’s going home

What a wonderful kiss

From those lips

Oh its bliss

But now the abyss

He’s going home

To the lawns and the wife

And the job

That’s his life

I’m not part of that life

That’s his home

What a wonderful night

We made love

Held me tight

And now late at night

He’s going home

What a wonderful day

On a beach

Far away

Pity we couldn’t stay

He’s going home

How long can I carry on

Loving a man

Who’s just gone

To the lawns and the wife

At his home

Next time that we meet

He has to

Tell me I’m sweet

Then promise to stay

At my home

It all went quite well

I talked for a spell

About our future

And when it would start

But it soon became clear

Although he holds me quite dear

My body means more

Than my heart

And so the man I adore

Has walked out the door

I’m not part of his life

Anymore

To the lawns and the wife

And the job

That’s his life

I’m not part of that life

That’s his home

I Excite You

Quickly drawn curtains and

Clothes swiftly shed

Passionate kisses

I pull you to bed

Into the whiteness

Into the chill

Of the white cotton sheets

And time will stand still

I excite you

I ignite you

You consume me

With your flames

Locked in a feeding frenzy

We play our private games

We enter the darkness

Of our private night

Where you will struggle

Where you will fight

Where I will touch you

Make you feel good

Claw you and bite you

Maybe draw blood

I excite you

I ignite you

You consume me

With your flames

Locked in a feeding frenzy

We play our private games

You go ever upwards

Eyes looking through me

Mouth gasping for air

In this physical melee

I take you higher

You cry out my name

Your scream fills the world

And quenches your flame

I excite you

I ignite you

You consume me

With your flames

Locked in a feeding frenzy

We play our private games

You Gotta Kick Ass

Like most other folks

I’m a mild mannered man

Working hard for the family

Overtime if I can

Look after the missus

Look after the kid

Go down to the pub

With my man Sid

Have a few drinks

Throw a few darts

Tell a few jokes

Look at the tarts

Then slowly walk home

Fish and chips on the way

Back to the missus

Start a new day

Now that’s how I like it

A nice quiet life

Me and the kids

Me and the wife

But every so often

Something happens that’s crass

And then at that point

I gotta kick ass

Take the other day at work

The boss says to me

Rick work freakin harder

Or there’s gonna be

A drop in your wages

Or maybe the sack

So move your fat arse

Before you get a wack

Well that was one step too far

Don’t you agree?

We’re mild mannered men

But they gotta see

When you push us too far

We’re apt to push back

It was one step too far

So wait for the smack

You gotta kick ass

You gotta kick ass

There comes a time baby

You gotta kick ass

We went to the fairgound

Let the kid have some fun

Ride the wild roller coaster

Have a burger and bun

And then longhaired cretins

Decided to push

To the front of the queue

In front of us

Well that was one step too far

Don’t you agree?

We’re mild mannered men

But they gotta see

When you push us too far

We’re apt to push back

It was one step too far

So wait for the smack

You gotta kick ass

You gotta kick ass

There comes a time baby

You gotta kick ass

Now I went to the football

It was a bloody good game

Plenty of goals

But it was a shame

That some drunken idiot

Couldn’t get to the bogs

So rather than wait

He filled up my clogs

Well that was one step too far

Don’t you agree

We’re mild mannered men

But they gotta see

When you push us too far

We’re apt to push back

It was one step too far

So wait for the smack

You gotta kick ass

You gotta kick ass

There comes a time baby

You gotta kick ass

We went to the pictures

My missus and me

The latest blockbuster

She wanted to see

But behind us this arsehole

Just couldn’t sit still

Then talked on his mobile

To a bloke in Brazil

Well that was one step too far

Don’t you agree

We’re mild mannered men

But they gotta see

When you push us too far

We’re apt to push back

It was one step too far

So wait for the smack

You gotta kick ass

You gotta kick ass

There comes a time baby

You gotta kick ass

The kid comes home cryin

From school one wet day

Black eye and bruises

So we go down the way

To the kid that did it

Who says to piss off

And his dad through his fag

Told me to F off

Well that was one step too far

Don’t you agree

We’re mild mannered men

But they gotta see

When you push us too far

We’re apt to push back

It was one step too far

So wait for the smack

You gotta kick ass

You gotta kick ass

There comes a time baby

You gotta kick ass

I think you understand now

What we’re expecting from you

We don’t want any problems

We don’t want you to screw

Around with us baby

Otherwise you gonna see

The rest of the world

Will kick ass like me

One more time

You gotta kick ass

You gotta kick ass

There comes a time baby

You gotta kick ass

Let Me Be…..

The other girls have boyfriends

I don’t really care

I don’t mind being on my own

Oooh look at that hunk there

Let me be your girlfriend

Let’s go to the dance

Then I could show you off

Oh won’t you take a chance

Let me be your lover

Loving all the time

In the house, in the car

Wouldn’t matter where we are

The other girls have boyfriends

I don’t really care

I don’t mind being on my own

Oooh look at that hunk there

Let me be your mistress

Sitting in your flat

Waiting in my sexy clothes

Wouldn’t you like that?

Let me be your wife

Adorning our new home

You’d be so successful

We’d have one in Rome

The other girls have boyfriends

I don’t really care

I don’t mind being on my own

Oooh look at that hunk there

Oh let me be

Let me be

Let me be

Yours

Oh let me be

Let me be

Let me be

Yours

Oh let me be

Let me be

Let me be

Yours

Be Consistent

You make me laugh

You make me cry

You send me low

You take me high

You bring me close

Send me away

Take me home

Ask me to stay

You take me out

I feel ignored

I’m having fun

You say you’re bored

Oh my darling be consistent

Please give me love or let me go

I would stay with you forever

But your true love has to show

I get dressed up

You criticise

You undress me

Without your eyes

You want my body

I want your touch

You give so little

I want so much

You touch me gently

Then you’re rough

I love you but

I’ve had enough

I want to go

I want to stay

Love just shouldn’t

Be this way

Oh my darling be consistent

Give me love or let me go

I would stay with you forever

But your true love has to show

Body Language

When we meet and you smile

Making life so worthwhile

I love you

When your lips tell my cheek

That you care I go weak

I love you

When we dance in the night

Lusting eyes; you hold me tight

I love you

When your eyes speak to mine

And they say that it’s time

I love you

With your clothes on the bed

There’s nothing left to be said

I love you

When the heat of your touch

Tells my body oh so much

I love you

When you soar to the sun

Making two into one

I love you

Then slowly down breathing deep

In your arms towards sleep

I love you

When your voice softly moans

In the dawn I’m not alone

I love you

When I hear your body language

It sends shivers down my spine

Silent words that are deafening

Telling me you’ll soon be mine

Alice In Business Land

Alice had spent the day with her friends, picking flowers, walking, laughing, and now she was on her way home. Passing a building she hadn’t noticed before, she went to the large up-and-over door that was open at the back, and peered in.

Inside she saw a lot of machinery and bath type things that held coloured liquid; and the place smelt of something that reminded her of ammonia. Curious, she ventured into the building and was greeted by a nice man called Ken.

‘You must be the applicant for the line job’ he said and, before she could speak, he took her up some stairs to a hot, stuffy, noisy, smoke filled room.

‘It’s noisy in here’ she complained.

Ken looked at his watch.

‘About half past three’.

He sat behind his desk and motioned her to a chair. “Now’ he said ‘you do realise this is a very demanding job don’t you..?’

‘I…’

‘Right. Now do you have a science degree?’

‘No….’

‘A chemistry degree?’

‘No. I…..’

‘’A’ Level mathematics?’

‘No….’

‘Have you ever worked in a P.C.B. plant before?’

‘A what?’

‘A P.C.B. plant’ said Ken ‘we make printed circuit boards. PCB is what we experts call it.’

‘No…’

Ken sighed. What to do, he wondered? But Ken was an executive and made an immediate decision based on her qualifications and pleasing bust.

‘You’re hired’ he said in his most authoritative voice.

‘But……’

‘No need to say thank you. I’ll hand you over in a moment to one of my managers to show you round’ he said imperiously.

‘What…’

‘What do I do here? I’m the G.M. The General Manager.’

‘So you’re responsible for all this?’ she said, indicating the works area ‘So if it runs well, it’s because of you?’

‘Of course’.

‘And if it makes lots of money, it’s because of you?’

‘Of course’.

‘And I suppose if things go wrong down there’ she indicated again ‘then you’re to blame’.

‘Oh no, that’s the fault of my managers’.

‘Why?’

‘Because they manage specifically, whilst I manage generally.’

‘But don’t you also manage them?’

‘Of course. But I can’t be held responsible for something that they did, from a decision that they took, relating to information that they had, pertaining to events in which they were involved.’

‘Pardon?’

‘Look. If a mistake occurs on the shop floor, then the production manager is to blame. And if a mistake occurs in the assembly unit then the assembly manager is to blame. It’s very simple.’

‘Ah, I see’ said Alice ‘so you must be the person who looks after the overall financial well being of the company’.

‘Now you’re beginning to understand’.

‘So if you make a profit, it’s because of you?’

‘Of course’.

‘And if liquidity is strong it’s because of you?’

‘Of course’.

‘Ah, so if you lose money it’s your fault.’

‘Oh no, it’s the consultants fault’.

‘Pardon?’

‘The consultant. If we lose money for any reason it must be because of bad advice. I obviously can’t be held responsible for bad advice.’

‘But what if you lose money in an area that he hasn’t advised on? Then you are responsible?’

‘Of course not! I can’t be held responsible for areas that should have been advised on, but haven’t been. That would be most unfair.’

Alice looked confused.

‘But you said you were the General Manager. How do you generally manage?’

‘Well I try and help the managers so that they perform efficiently. I allow them complete control of their own departments, and then when they make a mistake I tell them what they did wrong.’

‘And then you tell them how to do it right.’

‘Oh no. They are the managers; they are in control of their own departments. It would be wrong to be seen to be superior, don’t you think? You obviously understand little of modern management techniques. Anyhow its time to hand you over to Martin who is in charge of Assembly. Oh, by the way, I’ve forgotten a most important question’.

‘Yes….?’

‘Are you good at making tea and coffee?’

Martin took her to the assembly shop where she saw people, mainly women, assembling components on to boards.

‘Do all these people work for you’ said Alice, quite impressed.

‘Oh yes. I’m in total charge. The absolute ruler in my own domain.’

He looked at one of the women.

‘Doris, stop slouching in your chair, and assemble more quickly’.

Doris lifted herself in her chair, got up and made a cup of tea.

‘You’ve got to be firm’ he said ‘no matter who you deal with, be firm.’

The phone rang.

‘Yes.?….no that’s not possible…….. we can deliver tomorrow ……we haven’t any time today…..no not today…..I’m sorry that’s all I can say……thank you.’

He beckoned to one of the male assemblers.

‘Jump in the car and take Global this board will you. And bring back all the rejects.’

‘Rejects’ asked Alice ‘does that mean you’ve done them wrong?’

‘Oh no’ said Martin ‘it’s the customers fault’.

‘The customers fault? Why?’

‘Because they haven’t accepted what we sent’ he said tartly.

‘And is what you sent, what they asked for?’

‘Very close. Certainly close enough not to bother about. It would take them very little time to make the necessary rectification’s themselves. Never mind, we can send them a credit note and re-invoice them next month. It will help next month’s sales figures.’

‘Next months?’ asked Alice incredulously.

‘Oh yes, we have to make sure that the figures are good.’

‘But they were in this month’ protested Alice.

‘The two have no relation to each other. If we have a bad month this month, then it is hardly my fault. However if we have a good month next month it will prove how efficient we are.’

‘But aren’t you responsible for bad figures also?’

‘It depends really. If we have a poor output through lack of assembly speed, then that is the fault of the supervisor. If there are certain items that hold us up because of late deliveries, then that is the fault of the suppliers. If the assemblers go on strike that is the fault of the supervisor for poor morale; and the General Manager for poor leadership.’

He thought for a moment

‘It’s difficult to think of any situation in which the blame attaches to me. As you know I run a tight ship’.

Martin handed Alice over to Keith, in charge of p.c.b. production.

‘What are you responsible for?’ asked Alice tentatively.

‘P.C.B. production.’

‘And do you’ she said knowing the answer ‘take the credit for good output and the blame for poor output?’

‘Yes’

‘Yes? What do you mean yes?’

‘I mean yes’.

He picked up a board and saw a blemish.

‘Scrap the lot’ he commanded to one of the men.

‘The lot? How much is there?

‘About £5000.00 pounds worth.’

‘Bad for our image if we don’t’.

‘How much do you usually scrap?

‘We’re doing well this month. Only eighty four…….’ he got out a calculator ‘point three percent. I like to be accurate’.

‘But isn’t the quality your fault?’

‘Yes it is, but only if it goes to a customer and is returned.’

‘But what about scrap, before it gets to a customer?’

‘Well that’s obviously the fault of the equipment, for which I can’t be held responsible as I didn’t buy it. You see’ he continued, ‘I get good production because of the close bond between me and my men’.

He clicked his fingers and a worker rushed up, bowed, lit a cigarette for him, placed it in his mouth, bowed and left. Another finger clicked and a cup of coffee magically appeared.

‘You see, as a manager I am loved.’

‘Is this still the area with the most unemployment in Britain?’ asked Alice.

‘I believe so’ replied Keith ‘why do you ask?’

At this point the consultant joined them.

‘And what are you responsible for?’ asked Alice wearily.

‘Everything’ he said, ‘except the capital structure of the Company, which is the domain of my superiors. Unless of course they wish to involve me.’

‘So you take the credit, and the criticism?’ She asked suspiciously.

‘Of course. And if I don’t perform I get the sack, which I would expect.’

‘But who do you blame when things go wrong?’

‘Well on day-to-day matters I blame the managers, because I am not involved. But if they are continually at fault then I am to blame for not either retraining or sacking them.’

‘But don’t you blame the owners of the Company for some things?’

‘Certainly not. I have always found them constructive and helpful’. Indeed their business sense and strategic awareness continually impress me’

Alice smiled and realised that at last she could go home happy. As she skipped on her way she sang a little ditty that goes….

Business consultants never die,

They just gently creep away.

Smiling happy faces

Another bill to pay

He’s here to save you money

To give a master plan

But a little at a time

Such a clever man

It takes many, many weeks

To find the remedy

It was obvious in minutes

There for all to see

Sales too low

Costs too high

People lost

Wondering why

Products crap

Too much scrap

Reps in lay-by’s

Having a nap

And who’s to blame

For this sorry story

The lack of cash

The loss of glory

What’s for sure

It’s not the boss

He’s not responsible

For the loss

It’s the recession

The Chancellor

Greedy bankers

Useless employees

Load of wa………

It’s not the boss!

The consultant agrees

He would, of course

He wants the fees

Chorus….

Business consultants never die,

They just gently creep away.

Smiling happy faces

Another bill to pay

Always Been The Same……

In Egypt, in the ancient city of Luxor, there stands the remains of the fabulous Karnak Temple erected by succeeding Egyptian Pharaohs and spanning 2000 years. Over the years each succeeding Pharaoh has tried to outdo the previous dynasty and so the monument to wealth and power has become ever larger, ever more spread, ever more grandiose. Time and visiting marauders have depleted the site but it still remains an impressive valediction to perhaps the greatest civilisation the world has ever seen.

Nowadays, each night in the Karnak Temple, the tourist authorities put on ‘light shows’ and guide tourists through the history and glory of those Pharaohs and how such industry was, flawlessly and with great efficiency, turned into architectural wonders

But as I sat there listening to all this under the clear Luxor starlit sky I thought, was it really like that?

Or perhaps it was like this……….

And lo the mighty Hariramasden IV did look at his mighty palace and say unto his many wives ‘Lo I am no longer happy here. We are now much wealthier than we were and the tribes to the East are poorer and so verily we must move and conquer other lands therefore to find a new and impressive palace in which to reside and thence to invite King Heesacreep II who will gaze in wonder and fawn accordingly before setting off and telling the world of our new palace’.

So he sent out an edict telling his subjects far and wide of his search for new lands and he was visited by an ancient tribe called Agentuscommissunus who said ‘O mighty Lord we know of a place that is just waiting to be exploited in the far off land of Culdisacus’

‘Whereabouts?’ asked Hariramasden IV but they were not exactly sure, but eight gold talents jogged their memory.

So Hariramasden IV set of with his vast armies to conquer Culdisacus but after many months of invading, being seen off, invading again he eventually had to retreat back to his own kingdom as the massive advantage of the dreaded armies of the Gazzumpites gained the land.

Hariramasden IV returned home and promptly executed the Agentuscommissunus and took back his eight gold talents. Summoning the Head of the tribe he demanded that they help him again and again they did but it was still no good and so he killed the next Agentuscommisunus.

No one else would help him and then a clever member of the tribe approached mighty (and dangerous) Hariramasden IV with an idea.

‘Mighty Pharaoh’ he said ‘I will find you a new land with a magnificent palace and it will not cost one gold talent…….if you do not like it’

Several months and many false alarms later the man returned with a wonderful idea.

‘’Divine Presence’ he droned ‘there is a vast empire many leagues hence and the King is in the middle of building a vast palace. Why don’t you invade now and then you can finish the Palace as you would wish it?’

‘How many bathrooms does it have currently?’ asked Hariramasden IV

‘Eighty seven’ replied the Headman

Hariramasden IV thought for a moment about his fifteen wives and forty children and knew he would never get near a bathroom.

‘Invade’ commanded Hariramasden IV

They marched for many months and then they surrounded the empire of Plottusthreeus. Beating off all other pretenders Hariramasden IV camped his army, servants and family in a caravanus temporarus for a few weeks so that the building could be finished.

The next day Hariramasden IV went to the half finished building to discuss his new plans with the builders not only to be met by inactivity but no workers to actually be active. Finding a lone soul he enquired where everyone was?

‘Tis the holiday sor’ the man said in a strange tongue

‘Which holiday is that?’

‘The one we take when we need a holiday sor. This one is the annual camel races and lasts for one week’

The mighty Pharaoh told the builders to assemble before him at dawn in seven days time, which they did. Of the twenty seven thousand expected twenty thousand were still in bed (a loose term), five thousand had been lost, one thousand had died of ‘a strong potion’, seven hundred and fifty were still betting on races that had finished, two hundred had decided to return to their ancient land across the sea and the remaining fifty stood before him.

Then next day the leader of the builders was summoned before the omnipotent Pharaoh who explained what was wanted and it had to be completed in six months at a price of 18,000 silver talents. The man shook his head gently.

‘That is my price’ reiterated Hariramasden IV ‘and it will be so’

The men set to work and three months later a quarter of the work had been done. Hariramasden IV summoned the leader to him and demanded an explanation.

‘It’s the sqidgle in lokrup which is turning the fllarke down to ruble’ said the man.

‘What’ said the Pharaoh to his assistant Righthandmanimus ‘is he talking about?’ but he was also perplexed.

The man repeated the problem; the Pharaoh was no wiser and so asked how it could be put right.

‘We could pling the dufrey with furt at a cost of about 3000 tenents which should do the trick’ said the man gravely.

The Pharaoh gave up and agreed to the extra money. Anything to get out of the bloody caravanus temporarus!

Work went well and then one day all the builders vanished in the night only to return five weeks later as they had had to ‘go to another job’.

Eight months into the project and the wives of Hariramasden IV were giving him continual grief about the living conditions in the caravanus temporarus and the mighty Pharaoh did indeed know they had a point. He was covered in dust, tired, irritable and wanted to kill all around him. But if he did he would do the work?

He summoned the Head Builder.

‘When’ demanded Hariramasden IV in his most pharaohotic voice ‘will it be finished?’

Seeming not to hear the Head Builder said ‘We will have to pull down the west wall as it is not safe’.

‘You have only just put it up’ spluttered the Pharaoh ‘how can it not be safe?’

‘Bad footings’ mighty Pharaoh ‘put in by the previous builders’

‘But you were the previous builders’ thundered Hariramasden IV

‘Technically yes’ replied the man ‘but of course that was another contract, doing work for someone else, to another set of drawings, in a different season, using different sand……..’

The Pharaoh did not know whether to laugh or cry.

‘What will that mean?’ he asked in a rather pathetic, I give up sort of voice

‘Another seven weeks and 3000 tenents.

The Pharaoh did a quick calculation and realised that his original financial estimate was now just a dream but he said, in a subdued voice ‘Ok’

The day the great palace (Dunromeicus) was finished occasioned great celebrations. True it had taken eighteen months and not six and 45,000 talents and not 18,000 but what a marvellous Palace he had. It would be the talking point for the whole empire. Lords and Princes were invited from all points of the Empire and they assembled before the mighty, all-powerful Hariramasden IV. After the speeches and presents had been presented Hariramasden IV took them down to the new baths were all the guests could disrobe and frolic in the hot scented water. None went in and looked pensive as they stood at the baths edge. Hariramasden IV went over to see what was happening to be met by empty baths and he could see more and more cracks appearing as the water seeped away. From another direction people were quickly emerging from the latest in plumbing technology holding their noses.

‘Get me the builders!’ screamed the most powerful Pharaoh ever to have lived. But for some reason they did not answer their mobilusfonicus.

The Scene

A man mows his front lawn using a motor mower.

As seen by the Sun……..

Neighbours in a sleepy English village are up in arms at the antics of one of the residents.

David Jaundrell, who is believed to be of German extraction, habitually cuts his lawn at least once and sometimes even twice a week. Villagers believe that this regularity hides a more sinister reason than keeping the garden tidy.

One neighbour (who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of reprisal) said ‘He’s single and you know what that means…! We don’t need his sort here, what with Aids and all’.

Another said ‘He used to be married but I was told on the best authority that when she left she was covered with bruises and had one arm in a sling. He wants locking up! From what I gather that used to happen after his drinking’.

The village vicar confirmed that the german had never been to church, but had been seen on one occasion looking around. He felt there was not enough evidence to link that episode and the mysterious fire eighteen months later that burnt the roof.

In the village pub hatred and resentment was building against this man of mystery. ‘Although the people call him Otto’ said the landlord ‘I believe he’s actually Asiatic. Look at that tan he gets when he goes ‘away’, you dont get tans like that on the Rhine. One of my locals said that the name originates from Russia and is really Jodrelski. I believe there are good resorts for Russian high-ups and other people on the Black Sea, if you see what I mean’.

When we asked Mr Jaundrell (?) to reply to charges that he was a homosexual arsonist Russian spy he declined to comment.

As we left this Shropshire village with its fine honest people, seething at the predicament that had befallen them, a petition to the Home Office to deport ‘Otto’ was being circulated.

As seen by the Times……..

Whilst the world digests the ramifications of the new US-Soviet initiative regarding the deescalation of nuclear arms, and the no less important escalation of hostility between Iran and Iraq, it is perhaps an appropriate opportunity to examine an issue that in time may have a greater impact on the fabric of our society than either of the former.

The recent disclosure that a man in an English village systematically cut his own lawn with a petrol mower raises some important social issues.

Internally it may be the first signs that the socio-economic building blocks are being rearranged.

A report from the World Health Organisation shows that the majority of lawns in Britain are located outside of the London area. Indeed in the Metropolis, the current insistence of home buyers for houses with lawns has resulted in a dramatic drop in general house prices to the point where the average mortgage now exceeds the actual price of the property.

From an ecological viewpoint it has been estimated that if each home had a lawn, the extra amount of oxygen produced would more than offset that consumed by smokers.

In relation to the grass-cutting itself, the person concerned, a business consultant, had not as would have been usual, been using a part-time gardener, but had been doing the job himself. The far reaching effects of this are not too difficult to read. From one point of view the action is the epitome of the Cabinet view that initiative and drive are the motivating force for the renaissance of Britain.

But is this at some point self defeating? Citizens that do not or cannot aspire to become above average earners have excelled in the traditions of practical self achievement. Are they now to be denied the opportunity to sell their skills?

The final point is one of scarce resource. The petrol driven motor-mower is one very small example of the extravagant waste of our finite oil supply. It must now be time to take stock of this modern day dilemma between self sufficiency and self deficiency.

The Piano

He stood looking at the room. Small items were missing and although he had them at his new flat, he somehow felt that they had gone forever. The room had lost its oneness, its completeness, and its identity.

He looked at the piano and noticed the raised lid. Moving over he stood for a moment and then settled comfortably on the stool, his fingers moving over the ivory bringing the piano to life, giving himself life. He rarely felt fulfilment doing anything else. This was his means of expression. After playing for a few moments he sat up, placed his hands on his lap and looked sadly at the piano. It was time. He started to shut the lid.

‘What are you doing?’

He stopped, startled, and turned round to find the unfamiliar voice. There was no one there. His hands trembled and he wondered whether the strain of the last few weeks had taken its toll. His hands tightened again on the lid. ‘Don’t shut the lid.’

He stood up quickly and looked at the piano.

‘Yes, I am talking to you’.

‘I wish you were’ he said to himself ‘but I’m afraid I’m just imagining things. I’m tired, so very, very tired’.

‘It’s not your imagination, I’ll show you’ said the voice.

He watched as the keys moved up and down playing a tune he had never heard before.

‘Are you convinced?’

‘Not really’ he said, feeling somewhat foolish to be talking to a piano.

The stool moved to one side, raised on two legs and bowed slowly to him.

‘I think that is enough to demonstrate to you the reality of the situation, besides I am growing weary of these theatricals.’

‘You can talk?’

The piano ignored the question. ‘Why are you going?’

‘You’re so bloody clever, I assume you know’.

‘I know many things, but knowing and understanding can be quite different’ replied the piano.

He thought for a moment.

‘I have to leave; it’s no longer my home’.

‘Why?’

‘We, my wife and I, are being divorced’.

‘But you were happy here’.

‘Yes, very happy.

‘Why don’t you stay?’

‘My wife has the house as part of the settlement’.

‘And what of me, why can’t you take me?’

‘It’s rather complicated, but in essence my wife has managed to keep certain items, primarily you, that I care about. She has money and resolve, I cannot win.’

‘But you made me live’ said the piano in a gentle, almost reverent tone, ‘you brought me to life. The beauty of your music, the sensitivity of your touch, the magic of the sound created me. Your genius and my life made music that will never be heard again. As individual entities we are superb, together we transcend comparison.

‘I am not sure what that means?’

‘It means that you were happy here creating your music’.

A remembering smile played over the man’s face. ‘That’s true, so very true’.

‘Then you must stay and continue’.

‘It is not possible. I explained. This home, you, the other things, belong now to my wife’. ‘If she is still your wife why can’t you stay?’

‘It is an agreement between the lawyers. Everything has been apportioned. I moved out and in a few weeks we shall be divorced’.

‘Could you buy me from her?’

‘I tried but she will hear none of it’.

‘I wish to be with you’.

‘I’m deeply sorry, it’s not possible’.

‘Would you like to stay here?’

‘Very much’.

‘Will you visit?’

He thought for a long moment. ‘If I’m allowed to’.

‘Goodbye then, until we meet again’.

With moist eyes he went to the door, glanced briefly round and left.

Several days later he had a phone call from the Hospital. His wife had been admitted as the result of an accident and would he come quickly.

She died before he arrived.

He let himself in to the house and went to the room with the piano. It stood in the same position, but two of its legs were broken and the one side of its body rested on the floor.

‘Hello’ he said, as though intruding on someone else’s domain.

‘You came back, are you alone?’

‘Yes’

He watched as the legs of the piano slowly, creakingly, straightened until after a little while they were as before.

‘How did you do it’? Asked the man.

‘Now I am alive I can mend myself’.

‘No, the other’.

‘Other?’

‘Yes’ said the man

The piano hesitated, the silence grew. ‘You mean……? said the piano

‘Yes’

‘You wanted to come back, you were unhappy,’ the piano’s voice paused and then said slowly ‘she had dropped an earring under the piano….the blow broke her neck, she felt nothing.’

‘You killed her’ said the man softly.

‘For you, for us’.

The man turned and walked to the other side of the room. He leaned against the wall, watching the piano.

‘I don’t understand’ said the piano sensing something wrong ‘you wanted to come back, you wanted to be happy’.

‘That is true’ said the man ‘…….you don’t understand’.

He walked back to the piano and sat on the stool.

‘I want to show you something’

He placed his fingers on the keyboard and the piano thrilled at his touch. His fingers started playing and beautiful music flooded the room. After a few moments the piano cried out.

‘There’s something wrong’.

The man continued playing and the music slowly, imperceptibly, started to change, its richness becoming harsher.

‘What is happening’ screamed the piano ‘what are you doing’?

The tempo of the music increased, the smoothness becoming more ragged.

‘Stop, stop!’ begged the piano ‘please stop’.

The music increased in pitch and the piano screamed in pain.

‘Please’ it implored ‘why are you doing this, what is happening?’

Fingers went up and down the scales, faster ever faster.

The voice from the piano came slowly, pathetically. ‘Please…..help…..me’

The man stopped abruptly and looked at the piano.

‘What… has…. changed?…. What..is… happening?… I … don’t…. understand. Asked the piano

‘You are dying’ said the man ‘I gave you life, I am taking it away’.

‘How……..can………..?’

‘How can I?….because I am dead. The only thing in my life I have ever loved was the woman who is now dead. You were right, knowing is not understanding, and you thought that I in some way loved you. But you were wrong. You were the object of my expression of love for her. You allowed me to express the incredible happiness that I felt being with her. I am a shy, undemonstrative person, I find giving difficult. I couldn’t tell her I loved her.’

‘She……made…..you…go’ said the piano almost inaudibly.

‘Yes. She said I spent all my time at the piano. Ironic isn’t it.’

The piano tried to say something, but its life was ebbing fast.

‘Can you still hear me?’ said the man, and watched as one key responded slowly, ‘I want you to do one thing for me. Will you?’

The key responded again.

The man knelt down and crawled under the piano.

Togetherness

Tonight was the night. Pussy night. It was called pussy night, he thought, because on a Saturday night it was always late when you got in and therefore you always saw the ‘cats eyes’ on the roads. He’d got the phrase ‘pussy night’ from the Mike Hammer private detective novels that he consumed over and over again and he imagined the American roads covered with cat’s eyes and lit up like Blackpool when a car brushed them with its lights.

He was twenty-seven and lived with his mom in a two up two down terraced house. His dad had been there until five years ago when he had then run off with - as his wife put it - the tart from behind the bar at the local pub.

He looked in his mirror and liked what he saw. The wide shoulders and slim hips enhanced his nine stone three body, whilst his six feet one height, he was sure, gave him an enigmatic appeal.

He was going to the local dance, as he did every Saturday night, to strut his stuff and pick up a woman. Every Saturday for the last seven years he had been, barring illness and holidays, and had always, without fail, gone home alone. This usually occurred because of his dancing, which he did by himself as no one would dance with him. He would gyrate frantically and then, dizzy, he would careen into the nearest person and take them down with him. As it was usually only the women that danced he was lucky, although once he was smacked in the mouth by a local toughie who found Clint lying on him grinning inanely.

He looked at his watch that could tell the time at forty fathoms. It showed 19:45. He quickly subtracted twelve from the nineteen and nodded. He pressed the button again. It showed 20:10:91. After pressing a few more times he was sure that everything was functioning correctly and felt reassured that in San Francisco they were behind by several hours. It meant that if anything incredible happened he would be able to ring Mickey Spillane who would have time to think about it before it happened in America.

He dressed, choosing the off pink shirt with the wide round lapels, brown flared jeans and black platform shoes with white socks. Just before he went downstairs he remembered something and went into the bathroom and quickly washed his face and neck then shook some talc inside his shirt and into his armpits. Fantasising somewhat he then stuck some down his trousers.

In the dance hall he found a few of his mates from the stores where he worked. One, who was the assistant to the Deputy Storekeeper, was Clint’s hero and role model. Cedric was where it was at, knew the scene, grooved.

‘How’s it goin Clit’ he asked’

The others giggled.

‘Great Cedric, great’ replied Clint.

‘Your turn…’ he said holding out his glass ‘and the others want….’ his voice tailed off as they all chorused in with their current liquid needs. Clint always seemed to buy more than his share of the drinks but at least he was part of ‘the crowd’.

Cedric surveyed the girls dancing in pairs on the dance floor.

‘A motley friggin’ selection’ he announced to the assembled throng. ‘Don’t fancy any of yours……’

They grinned. It was an old joke but they all believed it held true. The latest number one dance tune came from the disc jockey and the gang slid off to find a woman. Clint and another fellow went towards two women dancing together.

‘Want to…..?’ said Clints comrade to the better looking of the two.

She looked at him as though he had just been assembled and she was checking for faults and then looked at her mate who shrugged.

‘OK…’

Clint looked at the other one expectantly.

‘Get fucked’ she said as she turned and flounced away’

Clint smiled to hide the rebuff and shrugged as though it made no difference. It did on two counts.

One, it happened every week and it hurt. Two, if only, if only, someone would help him ‘get fucked’. It was all right saying ‘get fucked’ but it was bloody nigh impossible to actually do it.

Whatever it was……..

The night wore on and Clint spent most of it twirling, gyrating and generally looking as though one of his feet had been nailed to the floor when the time arrived for a ladies excuse me. Clint stopped momentarily to listen to the announcement and then carried on whirling like a dervish. It didn’t apply to him.

A few moments later deep in his whirling brain he heard

‘Excuse me….’

Clint ignored his fantasy and carried on, moving all in his path.

‘Excuse me!…..’ said the voice again.

He stopped. Standing by him was a woman of about his age.

‘Excuse me….’ she said again.

‘Yes….?’

‘Excuse me…’

‘Er….’ he moved to one side ‘er sorry’ he said.

‘No, not excuse me. Excuse me. Its an excuse me….’

Clint looked around him to see who she was talking to. Other than the invisible man it wasn’t obvious. He pointed to himself.

‘Me…..?’

He pointed to her.

‘You….?’

He waved his finger around a few times.

‘Dance….?’

‘I like intellectuals’ she said, taking him by the arm and leading him to a point nearer the disco and farther away from the bar and the slobbering masses.

They danced for several minutes and then he asked her if she would like a drink.

‘Yes please’ she said, and so they moved to the edge of the room and occupied a vacant table.

He went to the bar and came back with two pints of bitter.

‘Babycham and blackcurrant please…’ she said.

He looked at her enquiringly but received no help. He looked at the table but that failed to respond either. He looked at the two pints and a twenty-watt bulb glowed behind his eyes. He wandered off to the bar and ten minutes later returned with a gin and orange. She thanked him.

Clint was lost. To dance, sit by, and drink with a woman all in one night was all too much.

‘Where do you work?’ she asked

‘His mouth tried very hard but his brain had given up.

‘Shlik koo ya mat’ it said.

‘Oh’ she said ‘in the stores at the depot’.

‘Gingee…’ he said nodding.

‘My dad works in the maintenance section a few buildings down from you. You may know him, Harry Briggs?’

‘Am yam fee qot’ said Clint’s mouth.

‘Oh well never mind. Maybe you’d know him if you saw him.’

They watched the dancing and finished their drinks and then she stood up and said

‘I’m going home now. Thank you for the drink….’ and started to move away.

Clint was stunned. This woman, this apparition, this Angel was leaving him. He didn’t know what to do. If he asked to see her again she’d say no. If he asked her to stay for another dance she’d say no.

If he asked her if he could take her home she’d say no. His face crumpled in anguish. She turned towards him.

‘See you the same time next week….?’

Clint tried so hard but again there was a mismatch between that part of the brain that produces speech and his psychomotor system.

‘Shhoool….’

‘Good’ she said ‘see you then’

After a few minutes of staring vacantly at the door he wandered over to the bar and Cedric et al.

‘You’re in there’ said one.

‘By the looks of her’ said Cedric ‘somebody is..’

And they all collapsed in a heap of dirty laughter. It had, however, passed Clint by as he was still thinking of the princess, who had, one way or another left him with her slipper.

He went the next week, kitted out in a new suit and shoes. His heart pounded at the thought of meeting her again .

She wasn’t there…….

He died inside. She’d said the same time. Perhaps he was early? He looked at his watch. No.

After an hour he went home, rejected and dejected.

As he was about to sleep the phone went. He dragged himself downstairs to answer it.

‘Hello?’

‘Is that you Clint?’ the voice asked ‘is it you?’

‘Yes’

‘It’s me. Avril’

His heart decided this was obviously the night for pounding and so it started up again.

‘You weren’t there’ he said accusingly ‘you weren’t there….’

‘I’ve been ill, didn’t you get my letter? I gave it to Cynth’ to give you tonight’.

‘Nobody gave me a letter……’

‘I bet the silly cow forgot’ she said ‘she’d forget her pants except she’s rarely got any on. Anyhow I’m sorry I wasn’t there tonight but I am quite poorly with flu. But I will make sure I’m there next week. Good night Clint.’

He went the next week, kitted out again in his new suit and shoes. His heart pounded at the thought of meeting her again .

She wasn’t there…….

He died inside. She’d said the same time. Perhaps he was early? He looked at his watch. No.

After an hour he went home, rejected and dejected.

As he was about to sleep the phone went. He dragged himself downstairs to answer it.

‘Hello?’

‘Is that you Clint?’ the voice asked ‘is it you?’

‘Yes’

‘Its me. Avril’

His heart was undecided about whether this was actually a good night for pounding or not. After a quick conference with brain it was decided that a small erratic pulse flutter was more appropriate.

‘You weren’t there’ he said accusingly ‘you weren’t there….’

‘I’m sorry Clint’ she said ‘but my auntie’s died and we had to get down to Leeds pretty quick and I didn’t have time to call you from home. I did try from the station but there was no reply…’

She waited for him to respond but he said nothing. He knew what this was, had been there before, nothing changed. Life, he knew, was cruel, but at times it was too cruel.

‘Thank you for calling’ he said softly, and put down the phone. He heard it ring again as he climbed into bed but he ignored it.

The next week he thought long and hard about going to the hop. What would he do if she were there? She had treated him so badly and yet the thought of her….. (Brain to heart - a quick belt please, don’t overdo it). He decided to go. He would ignore her if she was there and life would carry on.

He was going through his routine, something between a dervish and a limbo dancer, when a voice said

‘Excuse me’

Although he had vowed he wouldn’t, he stopped instantly and looked at her.

‘Will you dance with me?’

He paused for a moment and then nodded.

At the end of the track she took him to a table and then left him for several moments, returning with a pint of bitter and a babycham and blackcurrant.

She sat by him.

‘You’re quiet’ she said.

He nodded.

‘Have your drink’ she urged.

He shook his head slowly.

‘If you don’t mind I don’t want the drink’ he paused as though summoning the courage ‘Why did you treat me like that? I’ve never done you any harm, why do that to me? I checked and I know you weren’t ill and I know you didn’t go to Leeds. Why did you hurt me like that? It was very cruel’ He stood up to leave and she saw moistness in his eyes. She held on to his sleeve.

‘Because I love you’ she said simply.

‘Why do you loathe me?’ he asked angrily

She raised her voice above the din.

‘Not loathe, love. L..o..v..e. Love.’

He looked at her dumfounded. It was all a trick again! A con! He stared at her. Her eyes silently repeated what her mouth had just said, and he believed. Oh God did he believe!

‘But why did you keep saying you would meet me and then not arrive?’ he asked.

‘To see if it made a difference. To see whether…..’ she took a deep breath ‘…..you cared’

‘Why shouldn’t I care? I said I’d meet you here twice, doesn’t that mean I care?’

‘Look at me’ she said ‘what do you see?’

‘You’

‘Yes…’ she said patiently ‘but what about me?’

He beamed and his face lit up. ‘You’re lovely’.

She blushed. ‘Thank you, but what else do you see?’

He looked long and hard as though it were some kind of initiative test and then shrugged. ‘What else is there?’

‘Clint’ she said ‘I’m fat! I’m five foot one and eleven stone six. I’m fat!’

‘If you say so’ said Clint ‘I hadn’t noticed’ He shyly put his hand on hers. ‘Why don’t we go and get some fish and chips?’

She nodded and they moved towards the door passing Cedric’s table.

‘What’s that’ asked Cedric ‘a tart or a tank?’

The gang guffawed.

‘Pardon?’ said Clint.

‘The tart, bit on the heavy side eh? Don’t let her get on top…’

Cedric held his head in his hands, laughing hysterically, as the tears rolled from his eyes. The assemblage collapsed around him.

It only took a second. Clint let go of Avril and grabbed Cedric’s hair very tight, pulling it back viciously. Cedrics scream rent through the hall. Then, whilst that hand forced his face forward with a ‘crack’ into the table his other picked up a glass and broke it. He yanked Cedrics face up yet again and put the broken jagged glass near his already swelling eyes and the nose that spurted blood.

‘Next time you ever say anything like that, to anyone, you’re mine……all mine. Do you understand?’

Cedric didn’t move.

‘Can’t hear you’ said Clint and yanked his hair.

‘Ok…’ whispered Cedric.

Clint slammed his face into the table. Another ‘crack’.

He yanked him back.

‘Yes yes’ screamed Cedric ‘yes yes’ and he burst into tears.

Clint let him go, took Avril’s hand and they walked out, watched by the gaping spectators.

Outside she said ‘Where did you learn that?’

‘From Mike Hammer, ‘My gun is quick’

‘Pardon…?’

‘Nothing..’

She looked at him adoringly.

‘I do love you’ she said ‘Do you love me…..?’

He gazed into her eyes.

‘Mas wee ruk mat ter…’ his mouth said.

She kissed him.

On the way home he wondered whether he should ring Mickey Spillane……..?

The Wasteland (A Fairy Tale)

A long time ago there was a man, Borin, who lived in a village on the edge of a very dangerous and magical forest. Although middle aged he had stayed in the village all this time doing the things that he was good at – washing dishes, cleaning up and playing with the local children. Long haired as he wanted to appear ‘cool’ and dressed in a young style he looked, it was generally agreed, a prat. His nickname was ‘smelly’ as he always had a cigar in his mouth, the vile smoke of which he inhaled, making his teeth brown and his body reek. Or sometimes they called him ‘fallover’ due to his penchant for alcohol. Although generally an amiable soul he had the occasional childish tantrum which saw him go to his room and sulk through teary eyes. In his room he became a strong and powerful leader of men, fighting brave battles against black knights and rescuing damsels.

Occasionally he would use these imaginary battles to help him get a ‘parchment’, a piece of paper that showed that he was proficient with bow, sword or lance.

One day he decided that he had had enough of the village and the low esteem of the people within towards him and so he decided to venture out into the world and seek fame and fortune. His filled his knapsack with food and tobacco and his gourd up to the brim with wine and he set off.

In to the forest he went ignoring the pleas of his parents who had warned him of the dangers. He walked for many days and many nights and was not molested by anyone or anything. In fact that was not quite true, as some of the animals of the forest had seen him as their next meal. Indeed on the second day the mosquitoes had swooped to savour his flesh but after the second wave had been decimated by his tobacco laden stench as they got within six feet of him they gave up and went looking for less terminal prey.

The fourth night a dreaded vampire bat had very quietly swooped down and slowly edged up to his sleeping body. Opening its mouth to show its needle like teeth it pierced his neck and licked the red liquid from it. A few moments later it was reeling all over the place shouting ‘Come on then I’ll take anyone on, in fact I’ll take the lot of you on’ and then it keeled over on its face, shuddered once or twice and died.

Farther and farther into the forest he went. The trees had no leaves, the grass brown, the water acrid. As he was continually drunk, looking through a smoke haze and could smell nothing anyhow, he hardly noticed. On and on he went left alone by the creatures who would usually have preyed upon him as word had gone far and wide that the human possessed magical powers that killed instantly.

One day a large fire belching dragon, who had not had sex for seven decades and was feeling incredibly horny, smelt something on the breeze. Smoke! And from its delicate aroma it was obviously a young female of the species. It reared itself up and charged after the smell. From the top of a cliff it saw Borin. Having never seen a human before, and it being a long time since it had actually seen another dragon, it gazed down on Borin with longing. The trim figure, staggering walk, funny shaped tongue coming from its mouth emitting smoke. This was love. True it lacked a tail – but hell, seven decades is a long time…

Borin saw the dragon coming and being a brave sort of chap started to cry. ‘I want my mummy’ he wailed. The dragon got closer and saw Borin crying. This was, he realised, a modern dragon. One with the automatic sprinkler system for dousing rampant tongue scorch that he had read about in ‘Flame Monthly’.

‘Hello’ said the dragon, taking in again Borin’s nauseous stench and inwardly swooning ‘would you like a baby dragon?’

‘Why’ said Borin ‘would I want a baby dragon?’

‘Being polite’ said the dragon ‘just sex then…’

Seeing that the dragon was acquiring two tails Borin turned and ran as fast as he could, hotly pursued by an amorous and not to be thwarted, dragon.

Throwing himself though the undergrowth he went on and on faster and faster until he could run no more. At last, exhausted, he fell down and knew that he was in for a difficult and painful time. He took a large swig of wine. The dragon arrived.

‘You teasing hussy’ he scorched, wagging his tail.

He turned Borin over, let out a small moan, fell by the side of Borin with an arrow in its heart and died. Borin scrambled up and looked around him. Into the glade came a knight in shining armour.

‘Are you all right miss?’ he said seeing Borin’s long hair. ‘I saw your plight and felt I had to intervene’.

‘Thank you’ said Borin ‘I would have died’

‘In time’ said the knight ‘in time. Anyhow I must go now. I have a long journey to a far off land where young boys dance and play naked in the streets. Do you know where it is?

‘No’ said Borin in a high pitched voice.

The knight raised his sword and galloped off.

Borin continued on his way, seeking his fame and fortune.

Several days later he came to a crocodile infested river that he knew he had to cross to continue his journey. They watched him with hungry eyes, licking their large teeth in anticipation. Borin went downstream to see if there was a crossing. No luck. He went upstream. No luck. He felt his bladder bursting and decided to urinate in the river. Feeling much relieved he went back downstream and noticed dozens of crocodiles, dead, lying on their backs in the water. They formed natural stepping-stones across the river and so he walked across. Unseen eyes marvelled at his powers.

On and on he walked leaving a trail of dead insects behind him.

After many weeks Borin came to a large city whose roads were paved with gold. As he approached bugles sounded and crowds came out in their thousands to cheer. Borin looked round to see what they were cheering but saw nothing. He went into the main gates and the crowd bowed as he passed them. In due course the natural tunnel of people took him to a palace and an old man who was the King met him.

‘Hail Hero’ said the King

‘Hail’ said Borin who quite liked being the centre of attraction.

‘Though art a mighty warrior’ said the King ‘ we have heard of thy bravery as thou passed through the magic forest’

‘It was nothing’ said Borin modestly.

‘Has thou come to claim thy prize?’ asked the King.

‘Yes’ said Borin thinking that with all this gold around it should be a good one.

Down the steps came a beautiful maiden.

‘My daughter’ said the King ‘your new wife’.

The beautiful maiden kissed him on the cheek, bowed and presented him with a parchment.

‘What’s this? asked Borin.

‘It’s your new domain’ said the King. ‘The lands I have given you. These are the most fertile lands in the Kingdoms of Stompoc and Sewat, which produce our food, and you will rule there.

Borin took his new bride to his new palace and surveyed his new domain. It was beautiful. Rolling pastures with waving grain, cattle and a huge flowing river. Magnificent. After a few weeks he called his Headman to him.

‘The river’ said Borin ‘I would like it closer to my palace, where I can see it better’

‘Yes my Lord’ said the Headman after a moments hesitation.

The river was, after many weeks and many workers working day and night, diverted so that it passed the front of the palace. Borin was delighted

Soon after a runner came from the Queen to tell the Prince and Princess to hurry to the Kings palace.

On their arrival they were met with sad faces and they realised that the frail old king had died.

‘The king is dead’ they shouted ‘long live King Borin, great warrior and slayer of dragons’

After a few days Borin returned to his palace to arrange the move to the Kings residence. He looked at the river and beyond, over the rolling plains with their stubbly crops and the brown grass and dying cattle.

‘What a wonderful river’ he said

‘Yes my Lord’ said the Headman

Borin moved to the Kings palace and took his place on the throne. No longer was he just Master of the Kingdoms of Stompoc and Sewat, he was now King of all Bragage. Indeed, whenever he gave a speech or walked along the concourse, his subjects would shout ‘bragage, bragage, bragage’.

Two princes sat on each side, advisers helping him to rule.

In due course they went hunting and Borin decided to show them his skills. The arrow left the bow and thudded into a tree, missing the deer by a long way.

‘Magnificent shot your Liege’ cried Prince Weesle ‘a wonderful display of accuracy ’

Another deer escaped his arrow but it impaled a salmon as it fell out of the sky.

‘Mighty King’ said Weesle ‘that was truly incredible. We are honoured to be in your presence’

At his palace that night Weesle described the day’s events to his wife and then summed up.

‘What an imbecile. What an idiot. But what an opportunity’

The next day Weesle spoke to the King.

‘Great Lord I have been thinking how I can serve thee best and I have concluded that I should take over the Treasury better to look after your wealth.

‘Doesn’t your colleague Prince Waytogo look after the Treasury?’

‘Yes My Lord but he is not very good with money and I am’

‘So be it’ said Borin

When Waytogo heard what had happened he was deeply hurt as he had amassed a great fortune in the Treasury through his fair but firm taxing policy. The King however had spoken and had to be obeyed.

A short time later Weesle went to the King again and said ‘Mighty and Wise Lord I think it would be better if I ran the Army so as better to protect you in the event of war’

‘Doesn’t your colleague Prince Waytogo look after the Army?’

‘Yes My Lord but he is not a very good soldier and I am’

‘So be it’ said Borin

When Waytogo heard what had happened he was deeply hurt as he had worked long and hard to train the army and they were a superb fighting unit. The King however had spoken and had to be obeyed.

A short time later Weesle went to the King again and said ‘All knowing and great Lord I think it would be better if Prince Waytogo were stripped of his title as he no longer has a role to play’

‘That’s true ‘said Borin ‘see to it’

When Waytogo heard what had happened he was deeply hurt. The King however had spoken and had to be obeyed.

A short time later Weesle went to the King again and said ‘O Great Creator of all Things I think it would be better if Prince Waytogo were banished from the Kingdom as he seeks to do you ill’

‘Why so?’ asked Borin

‘Jealousy’ my Lord ‘he despises your intellect and your wisdom. He detests your great presence and bearing. Since you have led us we have seen that he is not the man we thought him to be. He insults us with his presence O Great One.

‘You are right’ said Borin ‘he must go so that all will be at peace’

When Waytogo heard what had happened he was deeply hurt.. The King however had spoken and had to be obeyed. Waytogo left the following day with his wife and servants and started the trek to a far off land.

One day, not long after, Borin was being transported through the streets. As he went along people crowded the pathways and pleaded for food. Borin smiled and waved. They always seemed hungry and yet there was lots of food. Earlier he had had a sumptuous lunch of the finest food and wines.

On his return he asked his courtiers why people kept asking for food when there was plenty. No one replied.

‘There is a minor shortage at the moment Sire’ said Weesle ‘but it will pass. A slight problem with the harvest’

Borin smiled. All was good in the, no his, Kingdom. Weesle had started work on seven new palaces scattered over the Kingdom. A new Temple was being erected that was bigger than anything else in the whole world and a new coliseum was under way.

In due course Weesle went to Borin and said ‘I think you are right O Far Seeing One. We should disband the army and use the money to replace the old Kings palace with a new one befitting your status. You are indeed wiser than our most learned of scholars’.

Borin nodded in agreement. It was true he did think of many things that were very important. Some he forgot, like the one just now, but loyal Weesle remembered his every word and never took the credit. He was lucky to have Weesle. And lucky to have got rid of Waytogo. What a waste of time Waytogo was. Hardly said anything, never appeared to do anything. Better gone and left to loyal Weesle to organise.

‘Where’s the bread?’ asked Borin ‘I always have bread’ He stamped his feet. ‘Where’s the bread’ he demanded. A courtier by his side said nothing.

‘There is no bread sire’ said Weesle ‘when Waytogo changed the course of the river it cut off the water from the fields and we now have a famine. You were right to banish him Great Ruler. Had you told me at the time that it was Waytogo that had done this I would have slain him. You were saintly in your compassion.’

‘Go’ said Borin ‘take money from the treasury and buy food from the nearest land’.

‘The money has gone Great One. Waytogo left very little when he departed. We did not realise the extent of his profligacy.’

Over the next few weeks the people started to die because of a lack of food. Borin and Weesle constantly blamed Waytogo for the problems that surrounded them. The gold that could have been sold had been melted to make religious idols that could not be touched. Damn Waytogo!

A shout rent the air.

‘There are invaders at the gates!’

‘Get the army’ screamed Borin ‘Get the army…’

In a far off land Waytogo was sitting, taking bread with the Ruler and his new found friends.

‘It is sad’ said the Ruler ‘we have people like that in our land but we put Prozac in their food …they do less harm that way’

Bliss

The restaurant was large but intimate, expensive and fashionable. The meal delightful, the champagne cool, tantalising, relaxing.

It had been a lovely evening and it was nearly time to go. She looked at him tenderly, lovingly, with the merest hint in her eyes of the passion that would follow later. Her low dress allowed him to see the swell of her breasts, as he did quite often, and she saw him admire her.

‘Ready?’ she asked.

‘Nearly’

She started to take her wrap from the chair back.

‘Did you enjoy tonight…? He enquired tentatively

‘Oh yes..’ she purred ‘….wonderful….’

‘Should we do it again…..?’

‘Oh yes….’

‘Often…..?’

‘All the time’

‘Like a married couple would…..?’

‘Yes. Like a romantic, madly in love married couple…….yes, definitely’

‘Good. Then you will marry me?’

She stopped moving. Her eyes watched him as though she had missed something and was trying to catch up. She pointed slowly at him and then at herself. He nodded. She repeated the movement. He nodded again.

It was a combination of the screamed ‘Yeeeeeeeeessssssss’ and her flung up arms that made the waiter lose control of the tray. A dreadful mess but the recipient was more mellow when they explained the circumstances. They even bought the couples meal before they went happily on their way.

At his home she asked ‘Where shall we go on our honeymoon? Somewhere exotic?’

‘We’ve been most places’ he said ‘we could do with going somewhere different’

He poked the large log fire and a myriad sparks flew heavenward. Shadows danced around the cosy lounge.

‘Where…?’

‘Not a clue’

‘Let’s be different’ she said

‘In what way’

‘We could go where we don’t know we’re going’

‘Excluding the fact that’s not in English, how do we make arrangements to go to somewhere we don’t know where we’re going to?’

‘No I don’t mean that. Let’s pick a place to go at random.

‘How do we do that?’

She thought for a moment.

‘We get out a map of the world and stick pins in it…also..’ she carried on quickly, warming to the theme ‘….we could throw a dice for the month of the year and the day we are going to set off……..?’

She looked at him expectantly.

‘Let’s go for it…….’ he said.

The island was everything it should have been. Only a few miles long in either direction, waves lapping sandy beaches, English speaking and English food if you wanted it. What else could you want on a honeymoon?

‘Somewhere a bit bloody hotter than this’ he said icily.

‘Well…’ she shrugged

‘And a bit less bloody wet’ he said dryly.

She grimaced.

‘The island’s quite nice’ she ventured tentatively.

‘It’s not fucking nice’ he exploded ‘it is not fucking nice. The Isle of Wight in February can not be nice. Barbados in February can be nice. The Maldives in February can be nice. A million and one places in February can be nice, but the Isle of Wight in February can not be nice!’

‘It’s not my fault’ she said, her voice raising ‘we both agreed to stick the pin in the map and be bound by the result’

‘You stuck the bloody pin in’ he said accusingly.

‘You held the map’ she exploded.

He muttered to himself and thought dark thoughts. His mother was right; this woman was an idiot, a complete idiot. He must have been mental to propose. It must have been the wine or maybe she had put some kind of drug in his meal. No, that couldn’t be right as he already had the ring. Maybe she had been drugging him for months? Wasn’t she into the occult, Tarot cards and all that. Perhaps a spell had been visited upon him. He looked furtively at his hands to see if a green sheen or something else was apparent.

She put her hands defiantly on her hips. He noticed the posture and felt uncomfortable. She never defied him. This was another example of a woman, once married, who turned.

‘What’ she said quietly ‘about the hotel…..?’

‘What about the hotel…?’

She said nothing, her hands dug deeper into her hips, her gaze more penetrating. The silence exploded all around him.

‘It’s a five bloody star hotel!’ he shouted in a voice that he had never heard.

‘And one of them’ she said ‘is your anus’.

She forced back the triumphant smile that wanted to form around her lips.

He looked aghast. Who was this trollop, this harridan, this harpy that was unveiling herself before him. It was fine, nay wonderful, to talk dirty in bed, but this was in a main street on their honeymoon for Christ’s sake. She was supposed to be…..well….virginal.

‘Well……?’ she enquired pointedly.

He looked at her uncomprehendingly.

‘Well….?’ she said again

‘Well bloody bloody bloody what……’ he said exasperated.

‘The hotel………is complete and utter crap!’

His eyes widened and he looked at her as though anew. He didn’t recognise her. Crap! She’d said crap! He’d never heard her say ‘crap’.

‘Its the Isle of Wight for Christ’s sake. What do you expect, the fucking Savoy!’

‘You are pathetic’ she said ‘soft, flaccid, pathetic. Pathetic here, pathetic there, pathetic everywhere.’

For a moment murder seemed to him by far the obvious option. He settled for abuse.

‘Me pathetic’ he screamed ‘me….hah….what about you? I don’t spend hours in the bathroom…

‘That’s obvious…’ she cut in quickly

‘…or putting on clothes…..’

‘I think everyone would agree with you there….’

‘….and….’

The word flaccid entered his brain. Flaccid, as in……well…. what was she implying? He had been tired, he worked very hard, life in the city was……..tiring…….but he was certainly not……..

He stopped. This was wrong, so very wrong. The woman before him, the new Lady Rebecca Fyonnes was not as she should be, not as she was, not as she was intended to be. He looked at her again. Her bright blue eyes were glacial, high cheek bones skull like, delicate nose like a ski slope, full red lips thin and tight, elegant long swanlike neck scrawny. She was a witch.

He had made a mistake but mistakes could be undone. He was not, under any circumstances, going to stay married to this cow! It would be a bit pricey but money was hardly a problem, and anyway, she hadn’t got the brains to take him to the cleaners.

‘You can stick this..’ he waved his arms around him ‘and our so called marriage, up your arse’

‘No my darling’ she said sweetly ‘we will be married forever’

‘You must be joking’

‘We will have five or six children and be happy forever. We can go fishing and shooting and golfing with you. All of us’.

He looked appalled. The enormity of the scenario engulfed him. Panic enveloped him. He looked around quickly for the hire car and felt in his pocket for the keys.

‘I’m off’ he said ‘the hotels paid for another seven days if you want it. Forget the marriage. You will hear from my solicitors’.

He ran hot foot into the street and to the car.

‘What about our love’ she shouted after him ‘and our children, and the dogs, and playing golf together, and coming to your Club with you……..?’

She got back to the hotel and went up to her suite. After ordering a snack to be brought up in half an hour, she filled up the Jacuzzi, undressed and reclined in it.

She heard the phone above the roar of the bath, leaned over and picked it up.

‘Hello..?

‘Beccy, its me, your mom’ the voice said ‘how is everything going’?

‘Exactly to plan ma, exactly to plan……..’

She put down the phone and grinned, remembering how long and how many maps she had gone through to be able to skewer the Isle of Wight with accuracy.

Boy

They, Arthur and June, had given up all hope of having a child and had resigned themselves to their love for each other. There were of course ways to acheive their objective but fertility drugs, insemination or adoption held no appeal. Theirs was a natural love, it would be a natural child or nothing. When they were in their mid forties she became pregnant. The doctor said that because they had given up and the pressure was off it may be that nature had been allowed to relax and get on with it. Either way it was going to be a boy.

The birth was easy and it was indeed a boy. Healthy, smiling and without the usual histrionics of the new born. The child, however, developed differently from other children. Within a very short time it was walking. Not only that it appeared to understand what was said to it, responding to simple instructions, smiling and frowning where appropriate. But it made no attempt to utter a sound.

By the age of four he was obviously a highly intelligent child, always inquisitive, reading everything he could lay his hands on, watching, listening. When watching a television programme, usually science or nature, if he could not understand something he would look at his parents and frown. They then explained.

No attempt at coaxing induced him to talk. Medical examinations showed that he was capable of talking, but for some reason chose not to. When it was time to enter school he still refused to talk, making him the butt of cruel jokes that seemed to bother him not one bit. After six months he refused to go again, indicating his disdain at the level on offer. They tried to get him into a special school for gifted children but there were no vacancies.

Home tutors were hired. He ate them. Even though he refused to speak he continually demanded more, more, more….

At the age of nine he and his parents were watching a programme trying to explain the start of the universe using the ‘big bang’ theory.

‘I am afraid’ said a small voice to no one in particular ‘that they are wrong’

His parents looked at him and cried in unison ‘You can talk…’ They laughed and cheered and hugged him but he said little else other than ‘I will write down what I believe to be the true cause. Would you please send the letter for me tomorrow?’

They nodded dumbly and he went off to bed.

The letter, published in the following months ‘Scientist’ caused a sensation. Whilst the explanation and mathematics were rudimentary, the concept challenged existing theories and indeed appeared to fill in many of the anomalies that ‘big bang’ failed to adddress. He showed that big bang never occurred and that what appeared to be universe’s ever expanding, was actually a vast revolving drum of universes whose apparent expansion was actually time distortion that was occurring between the inner and outer edges of the drum. Or put another way, outer planets were indeed going faster than inner ones, but not in an outward direction. That was a time mirage caused by the cylindrical motion of the universe having a greater pull on time as it moved towards its edge due to its higher speed. This meant that the time measurement was not straight line but curved and in the outer reaches time had to ‘catch up’.

The entreaties for him to give interviews, or statements, or anything, to a waiting public were ignored, as were the invitations to Oxford and Cambridge.

A crowd, meanwhile, had gathered outside his house chanting for him to see them, talk to them, touch them, deliver them.

He said nothing else for another four years until one day he wrote a letter to ‘The Times’. In it he advocated the end of child maintenance, compulsory schooling in child care for pregnant mothers and their mates, the automatic percentage of salary that a person (male or female) would pay to their spouse and children in the event of divorce (thus taking away all uncertainty as to the consequences of divorce), an upper limit on unemployment benefit and many others. It was denigrated as the ranting of a child and, of course, it was not new. In print he agreed it was not new. Just logical and honest. In the next session of parliament many of his proposals were taken up to herald in a new social era.

There was no longer a crowd outside his house but a veritable throng. Over the period of time it had grown and no amount of summonses by the Council had managed to remove it. They had made camp down the road on a field and hundreds were now living there. They even had a small hand printing press and bulletins were sent to followers all over the world. They were the ‘listeners’ waiting to hear the next incredible utterance of the ‘unspeaking one’.

His parents still could not understand why he would not talk to them. They would ask, plead, implore, but all he did was smile, give them a kiss and a hug and go to his room.

In his late teens the large double garage was converted into a residence just for him. In it was the usual paraphanalia of life but he also installed a video camera, hooked up to the house, so that he could be seen by his parents if necessary.

At the age of 29 he went unannounced to the leading cancer research hospital in Britain and asked to see its Head of Research. He was about to be thrown out when they realised who he was and he was granted a brief audience. He gave the woman concerned a drawn picture of a molecular strand and then he walked out. The woman, unimpressed, threw it into the bin. Two weeks later the womans young assistant arrived at his house with the creased piece of paper and asked if it really was a possible cure for cancer? He nodded. The young man asked permission to sell it to the highest bidder. He nodded again. Five months later a large American corporation paid fifty million dollars for the rights to research and manufacture. The young man sent a cheque for half to him. He took out a modest sum which he gave to his parents and sent the rest back with a note of thanks.

The

At age 43 a low, long wavelength sound reverberated around the neighbourhood in which he lived. A black light hovered above his house, pulsating in inverse intensity to the sound. The house became transparent and then its structure slowly dismantled itself, tile by tile brick by brick. As each layer peeled away it vanished so that the house became lower and lower until there was nothing left but a lone figure standing in what was once its centre.

The blackness lifted and a beam of light shone from the heavens. Down the core of the light floated a white dove until it settled gently on the solitary figures shoulder. He looked up into the beam of light.

A deep booming voice from above said ‘This is my beloved son in whom I am not well pleased. I told you to be home for tea decades ago and there you are still trying to impress people with your silly tricks and follow the leader psychology. I warned you about this only a couple of thousand of years ago. Now get your arse up here quick my lad!’

The beam of light turned to black again and a loud whooshing noise was heard.

And he was never seen again (until the next time)

On Holiday

Just had an unfortunate altercation with a German couple at the airport as we arrived who were, in mock Churchillian English, accusing the English of being not only stupid, but dumb. According to their childish remarks you could sell the English anything.

I, of course, interjected, telling them plainly that not only were we not stupid but we also won the war.

‘What room are you in?’ they asked as though that had anything to do with anything. ‘Bottom floor overlooking the road’ says I. They fell about laughing. I think they were drunk….

Were a little disappointed at Halfpenny Green airport as Concorde did not arrive to collect us as the Travel Agent led us to believe it would. I put in quick phone call to them and was relieved to hear that the extra we had paid could go partly towards our next holiday which should also be on Concorde. It shows how clever the English were to build a plane that not only is very fuel-efficient and low noise but can also land at small airports.

The hotel is quite nice but it would appear that, due to translation difficulties, the five star description was not of the hotel but the star cluster you can see from our room. We are assured that even if it rains the hole in the ceiling will let in little water.

We went on our first excursion today (it was very expensive). We got up very early in the morning and, with some food in little Tesco plastic bags, we trekked for several hours. As we neared the city outskirts the guide told us that we should turn back as, due to the poor pace of one of our party in a wheelchair, we would not get back in time for tea. When we protested that we had not seen any wolves he explained that, should we be outside the city limits after dark, our lives would be in considerable danger due to their formidable strength and voracious appetite.

We thanked him for his foresight and I organised a whip round to help (he had reluctantly told us) his extremely bright child who he was trying to send to Oxford when he had raised enough money. I told him that when I got home I would start an appeal to raise all of the twenty thousand necessary for his son’s education.

The other day we went to the beach for some swimming. We had only been in the water a few minutes when a local rushed in and pulled me out quickly. It would appear I was about to be eaten by a shark! I thanked this poor person and gave him some money (indeed he accidentally walked off with my wallet but I am sure he will be back tomorrow, putting his life at risk heroically saving other people).

Buying an ice cream here is quite quaint. You tell them the flavour then they ask you what nationality you are? They then take out a calculator. It would appear the ice creams are so expensive because they are the milk from the local cow fish. These fish are only found here and you need at least fifty to make an ice cream. Incredibly the local men dive down very deep and actually milk them on the seabed. The divers can hold their breath for up to half an hour and some of them have been doing it for so long they have webbed feet and gills.

Anyhow time is flying and we have to get some sleep for another early start tomorrow when we go on a big adventure. The safari into the mountains will be very exciting and our guide tells us that if we are lucky we may see a lioness with cubs although it is actually their time to hibernate. I hope we are lucky………

Ted The Teacher

Ted shifted his position slightly to ease his neck, aching from the constant vigil and height of awareness. He scanned the area, making sure there were no problems, looking for the extra concentration, glassy eyes or vacant stare into space. He hated the telepath cheaters with a vengeance. They had only recently started to be a problem and there were very few of them in the whole system but one was enough to cock up the averages, and you had to have the right averages.

If the score was too high you were pandering to an elite strata and you needed to be ‘modified’, too low and you were obviously either being a slackster or trying to bring down the system with your proletariat views. You couldn’t win!

At the end of the exam a buzzer sounded and he quickly pressed the button to lock his cage. You couldn’t be too careful in this day and age. If one of them had smuggled in a 73X or something like that well…….thankfully the sensors were pretty damn good and located them pretty quickly… long before they could create any mayhem.

He waited a few minutes for them to have long gone and then he unlocked the cage and went, via the secure corridor, to the staff room.

There were others already in and he viewed them with pity. They looked like ghosts, too much stress, too much work, too little time off, too little pay. He grabbed a chair, sat down with his cup of cha with just a hint of sedative and his body moulded to it. It felt like being with an old friend from a long time ago.

A long time ago…… How Ted yearned to be back in the good old days when he first started teaching. It was great!

It was just after the year 2000, over thirty years ago, and he remembered it as if it were yesterday.

He enjoyed going to school and so did his colleagues. The children were bright, cheerful and happy with hardly ever a bad word said about them. In those days, he remembered with a smile, the most stressful thing was going on holiday and missing school. Teachers actually argued with each other about who should man the school in the holidays, they were so reluctant to leave.

The system then was a good one. The Prime Minister of the day (he couldn’t remember quite who but he thought it started with a ‘B’ – Briggs? Bright? Brown – it didn’t really matter they were all superb) was totally committed to the education system and pumped zillions of pounds into it, raising standards, improving education, creating a better educated and a more socially coherent individual.

The males went in as boys and came out as perfect young men ready to contribute in any way possible to the commercial system. The females likewise went in as girls and then became mothers, doctors, accountants, leaders of industry, polar explorers, deep-sea divers, even astronauts. Indeed anything they wanted to be. Some even did it all at the same time!

He sighed and inwardly puffed himself out with pride. Those were the days when everyone was behind you, urging you on to ever greater things; for the good of the pupil, for the good of the system, for the good of education!

At that time he taught English (he now taught Language 8,001,002 – or put another way European Language Harmonisation Directive Number 8,001,002. This had been introduced in relation to European Harmonisation Directive Number 7,987,135 which, in essence, stated that all member states should have a language that did not in any way have precedence over any other member state’s language (this had been passed in the early hours of one extremely cold snowy morning when the representatives of Britain, France and Germany were warmly tucked in bed and a representative of one of the smaller Baltic States had put it through for a bet. She won the bet and since then everyone had to speak Harmonised European)

Unfortunately it also meant that more was less as the main tenets of each language were dropped and replaced with a sort of European shorthand. Initially there were jokes about it would ‘harm’ the pupils but in fact it turned out not to be a joke. So much accentuated grunting was taking place that Harmonised European had become ‘Harm’ to those who dare whisper it. Of course ‘European’ no longer actually applied since the Russians and Japanese had joined but what the heck.

Whispering was what one did nowadays if you were ‘critical’ of something, otherwise the Department for Integral Results in Education (DIRE – ‘be our buddy, do your study’) picked it up on the monitoring equipment and you were ‘reassigned’ to another ‘post’ (the younger recruits thought it meant another job and it came as quite a shock when they found out it actually was a post)

He looked across the room and saw his friend Clarkley enter. Clarkley was a huge man with a grizzled beard and air of intellectualism (he called it intellectuality) that belayed his wonderful kind nature. Clarkley had a way of understanding ones position with total empathy, finding common ground with everyone and coming up with a solution that made everyone happy. Everyone said that had he been in politics he would have made a good Minister.

He looked up at the cameras on the walls and then rubbed his stomach, touched his nose and smoothed his hair. Clarkley appeared to ignore him but the movement of his left foot by fifteen degrees to the south indicated that he was well though a touch hung over, had played badly at darts last night (losing 4 – 1), was impatient to go home and get his fishing kit and would meet Ted about 6:30 by the north shore of the lake where the weed was thickest and, rumour had it, there was a giant pike. Clarkley always was a touch terse.

His mind wandered again to the good old days. The magnificent sports facilities, well-stocked libraries, abundance of superb teachers and resources to back them up. And the field trips – he loved the field trips. He remembered one year they had trekked up Anna Purna with some boys and girls.

It had gone well and then, who knows why, it snowed quite heavily. In fact very heavily. At that point it became obvious that short skirts and high heels were of no use and so they had to make their way down again. Of course, not having been there before he had no idea what a crevasse was and it was quite perplexing when one minute you had thirty pupils and the next you had ten. Quite perplexing! But no matter. At the end of the trip there were still four pupils left with nothing wrong with them other than a touch of frostbite in their fingers and toes and everyone totally understanding. The thirty parents, from what he could remember, had had a whip round for him so that he could convalesce in Barbados for a month.

In fact most parents were an absolute delight helping wherever they could and regularly chastising their children if the grades were not good enough – which was rare.

Those were the days……

The bracelet on his wrist emitted a small shock to tell him that break was over and he had exactly two minutes so he shuffled down the safe passageway to his next class. Before he opened the door he activated the scanner to see if anything was waiting to detonate behind it. Nothing. He exhaled. As he was just about to enter his years of experience made him hesitate for just a second and a sophisticated, but poorly constructed, remote nerve dart flashed part him. He saw it embed close to him and he scanned it for DNA as they hadn’t got the brains to keep their bodily detritus off the missiles. He recognised the signature on the scanner and rushed into the room, into his cage, activated the lock, found the console with the individual cage buttons on and pushed one. A ‘pupil’ (the educational term for mindless thug) screamed in agony as the microwaves gave him a quick fry and his hair smouldered. They never learned.

He gave them their project for the session, which was technically the ‘Understanding of Tectonic Plate Theory in relation to the rise and fall of Venetia’ but was actually how to spell three and four letter words (with difficulty).

Unlike previous governments this one cooked the exam figures and so it hardly made any difference what you taught them as long as it kept them off the streets for a few hours each day.

When they were ‘settled’ he secured their cages and settled back, happy in the knowledge that he was safe in his cell, they were stuck in theirs until released and life went on.

Not life as he would have planned it, certainly not the idyll of the early 2000’s, but life did indeed go on.

His mind wandered back again to those halcyon days. He remembered as though it was yesterday the way they used to look forward to…..who was it now?…..he remembered they all used to put on their best suits……ah yes the people from Ofput (The Office for Pupil Utilisation and Tabulation….or something like that).

What days they were. Up they would come from some city or other and it was a joy to see them.

Whilst ostensibly they were there to ‘Utilise’ and ‘Tabulate’ because literally every school was academically excellent they always arrived with huge amounts of gifts for the staff and presents for the pupils. It was like a day with a favourite uncle. The staff and the people from Ofput would allow the children to go early and then they would head for the enormous and wonderfully manicured playing field, with its vast array of sports equipment scattered around, to be greeted by a sumptuous feast laid on by the local parents in appreciation. The parents would serve food and drinks of all varieties and the merriment would continue far into the night until many were quite tiddly. Indeed it was on one such occasion the he met Mrs Ted and the resultant young Ted was conceived. Mrs Ted was the widow of a Rottweiller breeder and unfortunately had acquired many of the breed’s characteristics. Ted hadn’t heard from Mrs Ted for many years, literally since the day she ran off with a drug company rep who, it was rumoured, had found the secret of getting the sexually predatory but emotionally unstable Mrs Ted on an even keel by lacing her drink each morning with one of the companies sedatives. Unfortunately they’d split up when the rep lost his job and the sedatives dried up. He survived the axe attack (just) but his lack of sleep (he wasn’t sure whether he was going to be attacked or ravaged) made him call it a day.

Ted ducked as a 327z hurtled past him, its homing device obviously faulty. ‘Dolt’ he thought as he pressed the button of the cage of the assailant. His hair went vertical and his eyes bulged and then the timer stopped and he sank back. For good measure he pressed the button again and the ‘pupil’ shook violently for a bit and then lay still on the floor. This wasn’t actually allowed but some things needed doing.

He giggled to himself; at times this was better than the old days…………..and hit the button again out of pure malice.

The Boat Trip

We were on a pleasure boat going out to see the dolphins and the pilot whales. Round trip, two hours with some food thrown in. Fine.

I was with Bo, Mrs Bo and Jake their grandson, but because I had already had too much sun in the ten days I had been there I went and found a shaded spot on the side, leaving them to their own devices

After a little while we came upon a small school of pilot whales (not sure why they are called that but I would like to think that many years ago the old schooners were helped to navigate dangerous reefs by watching the direction the pilot whales took).

‘Hello’ I heard someone say faintly and looked around but only saw the passengers milling around to get a better look at the whales. ‘Helloooooeeee’ I heard again and again looked round and saw two groups of passengers moving towards each other. Question answered I thought to myself, settling back against the bulkhead and closing my eyes. When you’ve seen one pilot whale you’ve seen them all.

I dozed gently, aided by the sea sickness pill that I had taken.

‘Look!’ someone shouted ‘the dolphins’.

I struggled between staying half asleep and actually doing what I was here to do, look at the dolphins.

‘Come on lazy bugger’ I heard someone say, presumably my friend Bo. I shook my head removing someones bust from my fantasy and looked out to sea. Thirty yards away were a school of dolphins, perhaps a dozen or so.

‘Hello’ someone was shouting again. I looked over my shoulder but could not work out who, among the melee, was talking, or even why it was important to find out. Watch the dolphins, go to sleep.

Sounded good.

‘For christs sake wake up you idle bugger and talk to me’.

I ignored it. Whoever the cretin was was of no interest to me.

‘Do not call me a cretin!’ the voice said.

‘Sod off’ I thought

‘I will not sod off. You sod off!’

At that point I began to realise that I was talking to myself.

‘Oh for christs sake lets give up’ I heard a voice say ‘We’d get more sense from a mollusc’

I hadn’t said anything. That wasn’t me. What was going on?

‘It was me you pratt’ said a voice in my head ‘over here’

I looked behind me.

‘Wrong way idiot’

Totally lost I looked the other way, towards the sea.

‘At last, now can we have your attention?’

All I could see was the waves and the dolphins.

‘Exactly’ a voice said ‘it’s us, the dolphins that are talking to you’

I peered at them. One winked. Dolphins don’t wink I thought. I was sure I saw a look of despair cross its face.

‘What do want me to do, a reverse pike with double twist?’ the voice said in exasperation.

‘Yes’

And it did, or sort of.

‘Lets stop messing about’ said the voice ‘I will prove that its us talking to you. I will tell you something few people know. You are from Dawley’

My heart stopped still.

I looked at them. There were more now and they were all looking at me.

‘How did you know?’

‘You can hear us. Only people from Dawley can hear us’

‘Why only people from Dawley?’

‘Thats where it all started. Thats where we came out of the sea all those millions of years ago. Why do you think we’re called Dolphins? Its a distortion of our original name ‘dawlies’.

‘Dawley?’ I was amazed. ‘You must be joking’

‘Not at all. Do you remember the story of the city below the sea, with fabulous wealth etc etc’

I nodded. ‘Atlantis’

‘No’ one said ‘Atlantis indeed, a load of bollocks. Dawley! And do you remember the city in the South American jungle supposedly full of gold and silver?’

‘Yes. Where the Incas lived but I can’t remember its name’

‘Little Dawley’

‘No?’ I gasped. ‘Really?’

I thought about this for a moment and then said ‘How come its only me that can hear you?’

‘You’re from Dawley. Its something to do with your brain. Only people from Dawley can hear us’

‘Do you get to talk to many people from Dawley?’

‘Naw. There used to be quite a few two or three hundred years ago on boats going to Australia but not now. In fact, if I’m right (I felt it enquiring of others) the last time was at least a hundred years ago. Unfortunately the fellow had two heads which gave us lots of conversation but it was all a touch confusing.’

I mulled this over for a few moments.

‘If we both originally came from Dawley how come I’m a man and you are dolphins?’

‘Strategic error’ said one. ‘we thought that the future was the sea, not the land. The land was hard work, all that tilling and this and that. And the weather…………who needs that. So it had to be the sea.

Bountiful food, stable temperature, meat or plant life to eat and no boundaries and with our size no predators. The sea it was.’

‘Why error?’

‘Because we never dreamed you bastards would come along and screw it all up. Ironic really when for a long time we actually controlled what happened.’

‘How’

‘Think of any powerful people you have heard of’

‘Superman’

They said nothing.

‘Sorry. Napoleon’

‘One of us’

‘No?’

‘Yes. More?’

‘Julius Ceasar’

‘Ours’

‘Hitler, Churchill, Hannibal, Joan of Arc, Kennedy…’ I babbled on.

‘All ours with the exception of those in this century. They let us down badly. Somewhere about the late 1800s we lost control. Maybe it was the fact that they had been human for so long that the link was becoming weaker. More than likely. And of course although they were descendants of people from Dawley the line was getting ever more diffused. Either way we lost them and they started to do their own thing. Up to that point we had managed to keep them away from the oceans other than a bit of fishing and the odd looting and pillaging but soon all hell broke loose. Whales slaughtered, the oceans used as garbage bins, rain filled with acid, oceans warming up through ozone contamination, coral and plant life dying, and worst of all those frigging noisy jet powered water scooters. They just drive you nuts.’

‘So you lost control’

‘Not entirely, or so we thought. It became obvious we had to find a way of slowing it all down. We needed a form of energy to stop you lot from polluting everything. We were lucky in that there was a very strong Dawley link with a fellow called Einstein…’

‘Albert…’ I gasped.

‘No, Fred. Fred was Alberts second cousin but he was a bit dim, that was maybe one of the reasons we could get into his mind, there was very little there to stop us, and so we got Fred to sit down with Albert and tell him all about relativity and things like that. Fred hadn’t got a clue what he was rambling on about as we put the thoughts in his head but Albert caught on quite quick. But it was a waste of time. The next thing we know half of Japan has gone and even more crap, glowing crap, is being stuck in the sea.’

‘Bummer’ says I

‘Bummer’ said the dolphins in unison

It went quiet for a while. They swam along side the boat putting on a show for the tourists and I sat and thought. Bummer.

‘Why are you telling me?’ I asked in due course.

There was no reply.

I thought for a moment. I went back over the ‘conversation’.

‘No chance’ I said.

Nothing.

‘Forget it. This is the year 2005 and I am not Hannibal or Ceasar. I am not taking over the world for you’

‘We’d help’ they chorused.

‘And how would you do that’ I asked sarcastically ‘march into Russia and squirt water at them until they submitted? And there’s the minor point that I breathe air and you…….er…….do…….er……..occasionally. But I walk and you swim. What kind of army is that? What do I do, run up and down the shoreline issuing orders? Who will that defeat, the crabs?’

‘We have a secret weapon’ one said.

‘How do you mean, secret weapon?’

‘We have built a secret weapon that will annihilate everyone in the world who is not directly descended from Dawley.

‘How?’

‘Its very technical’

‘I’m technical’

After a moment one said ‘The theory behind the weapon is one relating to the quark diffusion differential which, when put into conflict with the irridium totality continuum creates a…….’

‘Right got it. What am I supposed to do?’

‘Well to start with you have to spend some time with us so that we can get you to harmonise your brain links, understand the strategy and teach you how to use the new weapon’.

‘Spend some time with you? Where?’

‘In here with us. Its ok. As you are a Dawley original you can automatically change to one of us as long as we allow it. You just dive in and we change you. Its that simple.’

‘Just like that….?’

‘Just like that’.

‘But what about my friends, my family……..sex?’

‘You will only be here a short time and then you’ll be back on land and ruling the world. Then you can get all the sex you need, and more. Don’t forget you will be ruling the world’

It sounded great. Be with friends from Dawley, the natural rulers of the world, use a new secret weapon, get rid of the baddies, rule the world, lots of women, lots of sex. I dived in.

It was wonderful. They took me down in to the depths and to their homes. Each had a balcony with a beach view and wonderful Parker Knoll reclining chairs. Television was taken from the telephone cables that traversed the oceans and so there were four thousand channels to choose from. The day I looked there was nothing worth watching.

‘Can I see the secret weapon?’ I asked.

They took me to a giant underwater hangar and, underneath an enormous sheet, they showed it to me. It was enormous, with flashing lights, whirring hard drives and at teh one end a long gun like barrel.

‘Whats it do’? I asked excitedly ‘Hows it work?’

‘Calm down’ said one ‘and we’ll show you’.

They wheeled it out and pointed it at a stone ridge in teh distance. We sheltered behing a small rock and watched as a button was pressed. Immediately a long plume of green shot from the nozzle. I was amazed! I was shocked. I was astounded!

‘Its a bloody pea shooter!’ I said with horror.

‘Isn’t it great. Ecologically friendly and non toxic’.

‘Its a pea shooter………!’

‘Wake up, wake up’

My head felt muzzy. The secret weapon must have exploded and concussed me.

‘He’ll be alright, just get him out of the sun. Fancy going to sleep in the sun, stupid sod. I bet he’s from Dawley……….’

Assizes

‘And as for you….’

He pointed a finger menacingly at the judge.

‘….you white upper class nancy boy, what the fuck do you know….eh? What the fuck do you know?’

The judge, resplendent in his High Court robes looked at him sharply. His back strightened. There were limits, he thought, and this was beyond them. A man had to have a chance, but this.. He opened his mouth to speak but was cut off by further tirade.

‘You make me fuckin sick’ the man screamed ‘With the privileged life, the lackeys and flunkeys, the chauffeur, the fuckin enormous pay packet…. what do you know, what do you know…’

He turned and looked at the jury.

‘You fuckin dickheads’ he shouted ‘you’re as bad as he is. You sit there thinking about last nights football game or doing your hair or having a good fuck and you dont give a monkeys about anything, least of all this. You haven’t got a brain cell amongst you….I use fly spray on things with more brains….and a damn sight fucking prettier’

The judge rose in his chair.

‘I think’ he said ‘that….’

He was cut off immediately.

‘Think? Fucking think? That’s a bit of lateral thinking isn’t it. You, think? Dont make me fucking laugh. You haven’t had a good thought since this morning when your old bag of a missus gave you one. Think, my arse. If it isn’t in your fucking books you’re lost. Think? What a fucking joke’.

The Judge motioned to a policeman.

‘Remove that man from my Court. Immediately!’

‘Your fucking Court now is it? Own the fucking thing do you? You may act like you do but the taxpayers would like to hear that you actually think you do. Or a fucking psychiatrist’.

Strong hands pinned his arms behind his back and began dragging him towards the door.

‘Fascist pig’ he screamed at the Judge ‘Frigging dictator……’

His words became muffled as he was ejected from the room and faded into the corridor beyond.

The judge sat down and, with hand shaking, sipped a tumbler a water. The courtroom was quiet, tension and apprehension within.

‘I have never’ said the judge slowly and with emphasis ‘seen such a disgraceful display in my life.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I must ask you, most strenuously, to ignore the last few minutes of Sir Charles Hardwicke-Browns summing up for the defence…….

Several hours later the jury returned a ‘not guilty’ verdict on the young, pimp lookalike, black lad.

It had been Sir Hardwicke-Browns last courtroom appearance and he was now - he looked at his watch - officially retired. Thirty years at the Bar and this was his crowning glory. The youth would have got five years for being stitched up, but who could put him away after an outburst like that?

He grinned a silent grin.

And poor old Biffo, having to sit through all that. God, the Club would be talking about nothing else for weeks. What a way to go. What a way to go.

Well, he thought, damn fine show, damn fine show indeed. No that wasn’t how he had rehearsed it. He remembered the American series that he’d copied from. I’m fuckin ‘BAD!’

Communication

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, there was a beautiful Princess called Danber (the name of a mythical beast who roamed the Kingdom and, in later times, became the Unicorn) who lived in a remote castle deep in the forest a long way from the towns and villages of the land of which her father was King. The isolation was very difficult for her and one day she said to her father

‘I wished we had the Internet’

‘What’s that?’ said King Chodrum ‘I’ve never heard of it’

She thought for a moment and said ‘I don’t know. Neither have I.’

Her father went hunting and she went to her room and thought about their conversation. She saw the future. A box that you put to your ears and heard other people talking; a box that made sounds and you listened to it; a box that gave pictures that you watched and listened to; a network of computers that were linked sending information all over the world. All powered by electricity!

One of her handmaidens came in the room and started brushing her hair. Excitedly Danber told her the vision of the future she had had.

‘What do you think?’ she asked the handmaiden.

After a few moment the handmaiden, quite perplexed for something to say, said, in a very quiet voice, ‘Only two things my Lady. One, what is ‘the World’ and two what is ‘electricity?’

Danber thought for a moment and then shrugged her shoulders.

‘Don’t know’ she said ‘don’t know’

Note: It should be pointed out that in the land of Chodrum everyone in the Castle whispered as it was seen as impolite to do otherwise. All this had started many centuries before and therefore no one questioned the practice.

One day Princess Danber decided to leave the castle and look at the world outside. She asked her fathers permission and, although he was concerned, as she was only twenty-eight years old, he did agree on the understanding that she took a few guards with her.

As she surreptitiously moved through the countryside, travelling with fourteen coaches, twenty-eight ladies in waiting and eight hundred and thirty two armed guards, some on horseback, she chanced upon a man lying in the road.

The Princess got out of her carriage and went to him.

‘What’s wrong?’ she said to the Officer in Charge.

‘One of the horses kicked him my Lady, but he will be alright’

On saying that the man stood up, rubbed his kicked leg and hobbled off down the road. After a few moments, as the Princess was boarding the Royal Carriage someone shouted ‘Oy!’ at the top of his voice.

They looked around and a distance down the road the injured man was raising his fist in front of him and holding the arm with his other hand.

‘Stick it up your arse’ he screamed.

The Captain of the Guard rushed to her side.

‘What was that My Lady? He asked ‘What did he say and do?’

‘Oh’ she said ‘it’s what the English football hooligans do to their counterparts to provoke them’

He looked at her quizically.

‘It doesn’t matter’ she said.

She was actually astounded at what he had done. It wasn’t the ‘stick it up your arse’ that bothered her it was……

Note: The ladies of the Court were taught from birth how to control their bowel movements so that it only occurred once a month. On that day the Royal Cart arrived and the men went hunting. It also meant that the day after, the women left their size sixteen clothes and started again on the tens.

……. the fact that he had transmitted a sound wave more than five yards! This was amazing. This was the future.

‘He’ she said to the Captain ‘has sent a sound wave more than two hundred yards’

‘My Lady’ he said ‘what is a sound wave and what is a yard?’

‘Don’t know……………’

However she was extremely excited and wanted to experiment. ‘Get the troops’ she said and put them fifty yards apart…………..’

He looked at her

‘………… about ten squidgets, for as far as they will go’

The Captain arranged it until his men were out of sight.

‘Right’ said the Princess ‘I want you to send this question down the line until the last man answers it. The question is ‘What is the time’.

The Captain gave the order and the question went down the line. Nearly an hour later the answer came speeding back.

‘What do you mean? What is ‘time’?’

She had great difficulty keeping in her excitement. She had had eight hundred and thirty two men, spaced at fifty yards each which was twenty-three point six, zero, seven, nine miles. They had sent the message and received it in about an hour. Yet a man on horseback could hardly have done it in three. Amazing! If only she knew what a mile was.

They carried on through the Kingdom and in due course came upon a child who was swinging a piece of string on which were tied two tin cans. The string was held in the middle and so, as the two tin cans circled through the air, they made a long humming sound.

Princess Danber went to the boy and he stopped.

‘Will you let me try? She asked the boy, who nodded as he bowed.

The Captain offered his services and he took one end (not realising he needed both) and walked away leaving Danber holding the other. When he had gone to its full length he stood on an old bear trap and screamed mightily as his one leg was severed (it was designed for very big bears). Danber was amazed. She had heard his scream come through the tin can. Somehow the sound had entered his tin can, travelled down the taut string, and been reproduced again in her tin can.

She set up an experiment with a very long piece of string – and it worked.

She had now found two ways of communicating quickly.

Farther and farther into the Kingdom she went until they came upon a valley where they decided to rest. After booking into the Hilton she went out for a walk, leaving her guards behind, to meet the subjects. As she walked, chatting here and chatting there, the sky grew darker and ominous clouds moved overhead and a jagged shaft of lightning plunged from the sky quickly followed by a vicious crackle of energy. She came upon a man who was making a bear dance.

‘That’s rather cruel’ she said ‘let the bear go’

‘Push off’ said the ne’er do well.

‘Do you know who I am?’ she pouted

‘The Queen of Sheba’ he replied insolently.

‘I am the Princess Danbar and my father is King Chodrum and I command you to let the bear go’

‘Push off’ he said again and went back to tugging on the rope that tugged on the ring, that tugged on the nose of the bear and made it dance.

‘See’ said the man ‘he loves it’

‘You dreadful man’ said the Princess.

He made an obscene gesture that she did not understand and then, without any warning, a fork of lightning made its omnipotent way to earth and searched for the highest point on its route, which, unfortunately for him, was the bear owner. It hit him and the energy launched him into the air and he landed fifty yards away a scorched and very dead mess,.

The Princess took the ring from the bear’s nose and it licked her hand gratefully. It lumbered over to the man and quickly ate him having, several years earlier, developed a taste for cooked meat when the man had one cat too many.

The Princess was dumbfounded. If lightning had the power to throw the man that distance then surely, if it was harnessed correctly, through a series of transformers with the appropriate switchgear and assuming the necessary multicore cable to convey the current then, presumably, that current could be sent down the string carrying the message and therefore it would arrive at the speed of light. Then a series of stations could be set up to relay the messages all round the world! She rushed and told the Captain of the Guard who was impressed.

‘What’ he said ‘is a transformer?’

She screwed up her little face in concentration and then shrugged her shoulders.

‘Don’t know’ she said ‘I think I’ll go to bed’

They set off again until they came to a large, cool lake where she allowed the soldiers to bathe and refresh. She sat by a small pool on her own and looked into it. Looking at her reflection she smiled at herself and the smile looked back at her. A slide fell out of her hair and landed in the water and it set off a gentle series of ripples that fanned out across the pool. She looked at it excitedly. If an image in a pool could radiate that image across the pool, and at the other end those radiation’s could be harnessed and gathered to recreate the image then it meant that visual images could be sent around the world! Coupled with her speech transmission and you could hear and see at the same time. She was ecstatic and rushed to the Captain of the Guard and told him.

‘But Princess’ he said ‘what’s………….’

‘Forget it………’

They went ever farther until they came upon a small hut deep in the forest. She went in and found a young peasant bending over a small table on which there were lots of wires and things.

‘What are you doing?’ asked the Princess

‘I’m building a computer’ said the peasant

‘What’s a computer?’

‘I don’t know’ said the peasant ‘but when I have finished this it will be one’

‘What will it do?’ she asked.

‘Many things; but the trick is not what it will do but how it does it. I am going to make it talk in a language that only I understand and so everyone will have to buy it from me.

‘What kind of language?’

‘It’s a new language I am going to call Maisy, Susan and Doris or MS Dos for short’.

‘But Dos is not short for Doris’ she queried.

‘I know but MS Dor just doesn’t quite hit the note.

‘What’s your name? She asked.

‘William’ he said ‘William the maker of gates’

‘Bill Gates’ she said.

‘No that’s my brother. He’s got this bloody enormous company over in Silicon Valley that makes ploughs’

‘Anyhow’ she said ‘Do you think this will allow for the eventual emergence of a new information technology established around and within the Internet?’

‘I’m absolutely certain’ he said ‘that it will. What’s the Internet?’

The Princess was filled with joy and walked out of the hut into the summer sun. She bent down and plucked a beautiful rose, whose fragrance she smelled deeply. And then it hit her. She had travelled the Kingdom and had now established, after many miles and many months, where her future lay.

And that’s the story of how the beautiful Princess Danber became the most accomplished rose grower in the whole world…………..

Complexity

In all societies there is the joker in the pack, the black sheep, the abberation. And in this society, exalted though it was, was no exception.

With these two something had gone wrong, some cosmic force had warped, perhaps only for a micron, but its effect was obvious; they were lacking in certain qualities.

They had been moved and physically stranded in a part of the Universe that was of no importance.

Their energy, immense though it was, was neutralised by a force directed from a billion, billion likars away, so that their influence was infinitesimal, at least by their standards.

And they were bored.

Then, one likar, one of them had an idea.

‘Let’s have some fun’ it said

‘How’ asked the other ‘…..here?’

They had no names, no sex, no identification. They were separate and one, component and whole.

However to reduce further their power their energy transference molecules had been reorganised by the others so that they could not combine in precise ways. Where they had come from, which was everywhere, what one thought, was added to the knowledge of all. Not so with them. Now what they ‘thought’ had to be communicated.

If possible.

‘Let me show you’ said the first ‘it will only take several likars. Come with me’

They went were a great mass of gas swirled around and it directed a force at it. The gas cooled and slowly became solid.

‘Forget it’ said the second ‘I threw planets when I was but a sprogue’.

‘No this is different. Much different’.

The solid revolved around its axis. Alive but dead. It looked around within itself. It knew what it needed.

‘In sekta drej, its about nef likars, there is something I need. Help me.’

The other locked on to his emanating energy field and out into the vastness it went. Finding the object it was brought back and positioned.

The hot globe radiated its heat to the solid planet and warmed it. And because the planet rotated around itself, and also around the hot globe, the planet, whilst having varying temperatures, remained constant.

‘Watch’ said the first ‘It won’t take long’.

The planet, due to the carbon and the mixture of gases and heat, started to produce basic forms of life. It was minute, but it was a start.

‘So what’ said the second derisorily ‘first lengen physics. Big deal’

‘This isn’t about physics’ said the first ‘this will involve two elements that have never ever been used before. Keep watching’.

The planet evolved further. Fish, reptiles and animals became widespread. Dinosaurs came and went. One branch of the ape family evolved into man.

‘Wait a likar!’ shouted the second ‘there’s something wrong. Look! There’s a malfunction’.

It felt the others power intensify.

‘Look’ it said again ‘the two legs without the fur. They are curtailing the life cycle of each other.

That does not happen. It is not possible. According to the Zek Convention it is not comtemplatible and therefore cannot be…….That is one of your elements?’

‘Keep looking’.

The two legs without fur evolved more. Whilst they still curtailed each others life cycles, they made machines which were designed to do the same thing but over vast areas resulting in vast curtailing.

The second was unbelieving.

‘Why are you doing this? What is the point? If you have somehow programmed them to be destructive to one another, all that will happen is that they will find more and more efficient ways of curtailing and the planet will be doomed. It is self defeating’.

‘Not so’ said the first ‘they will curtail forever. Watch’.

The planet evolved more. Curtailing continued. To a greater or lesser degree, but it always continued.

‘Why’ asked the second ‘does it continue? Why does it self perpetuate? Why is there never an end?’

‘Because’ said the first ‘of the introduction of my second element to some of the two legs………’

He paused for effect

‘……..Hope.

The Neighbour

He watched as their solitary cottage almost became a veritable semi. Their dream, their idyll, going - being swept away by the monstrosity before them. They had bought the little derelict cottage several years earlier. It had been a dream of his wife’s rather than his - indeed at times he felt it was his nightmare on those occasions when she nagged, which was frequently. However they had rebuilt it to its present state, and that, with its incredible views of the huge lake, had made it seem like paradise (if you excluded the wife).

But then it had happened, HE had arrived.

One day a Rolls Royce had arrived, with a limo just behind. HE and his commom woman, dripping gold and fur, had got out, surveyed the area and left. Just like that. The next thing they knew men arrived with those hard yellow hats and started measuring and putting stakes in the ground.

‘What are you doing?’ he had asked them in dismay.

The new house. It was going to be a new house! In his line of sight to the lake! No fucking way!

‘Who’s new house?’

It was going to be Mr Gianelli’s new house. His stomach was fractionally ahead of his logic and he felt a little queasy.

‘Well….?’ she said as he went back to the house ‘well….?’

It was not so much a question as an introduction to an interrogation.

He explained.

‘Right’ she said ‘you know what to do’

He nodded, not actually having a clue what she meant. It was always better to nod, never to question.

‘You can go to the local council offices tomorrow and get it stopped!’

Now he knew what to do.

‘I’m sorry sir’ said the official ‘but there’s nothing we can do, unless of course you ask for it to be referred to the Minister of the Environment, but I’m afraid it would be unlikely to succeed and cost several thousand pounds in solicitors fees….’

He went home and explained.

After several ‘humphs’ she said ‘Right you know what you have to do….’

The next time Mr Gianelli arrived to view his, now nearing completion, eight up and eight down, five bathroom, one pool, two courts and jucuzzi cottage he was intercepted.

‘Er excuse me….’ and he jumped back startled.

His quiet entry had not been noticed and he was immediately grabbed by assistant number one who slammed him against a wall whilst grabbing a stilletoe blade from a sheath inside his sock.

‘It’s ok Gino’ HE said ‘it’s only my neighbour, Mr…….?’

Gino put him down and smoothed his hair for him.

‘Er… Crumb, er Cecil Crumb, pronounced Cee-cil he stammered.

How can I help you Cee-cil?’ asked Mr Gianelli amiably.

‘I realise its a little late’ he said ‘but could you possibly put your house…..’ he turned and pointed over his shoulder ‘more over there?’

Gianelli smiled.

‘Why not’ he said ‘it will cost no more than another…’ he looked at Alberto ‘ one and a half, maybe two hundred grand…..?

Alberto nodded.

‘You got that kind of money Cee-cil?’

‘He looked aghast ’Meee…? he croaked.

Agnelli grinned again. ‘You want I should pay?’ he said quietly.

Cecil nodded several times appreciatively. Gianelli nodded once and Gino ejected Cecil in a heap outside.

He explained, she thought for a moment, she said, ‘You know what you have to do!’

He went back again to the house.

‘Look Mr Gianelli’ he said almost with authority ‘if you don’t take a more reasonable, and should I say less aggressive, attitude towards the problem I am afraid we shall have no alternative to resort to other means…..’

It suddenly occurred to him there was no ‘we’.

‘Problem? What problem?’

Gianelli nodded and Cecil landed outside.

He explained, she ‘mmmmmmed’, then said……..

The next day Cedric spent long hours shovelling unused sand from the itinerant’s house to a point just inside their drive to be. It was, they believed a noble and symbolic gesture.

Cecil dreaded the return of Mr Gianelli.

Several days later they returned but to Cecil’s amazement no one paid him a visit. He waited.

Nothing. Perhaps they had respected their stand. That night after his horlicks and, as it was a weekday, the allotted peck on the cheek, he drifted into a beautiful deep sleep only to be awoken by an enormous noise outside their bedroom window. He rushed to the windows and pulled back the curtains but could see nothing. He peered but could make out nothing but the bare earth for miles. Bare earth? For miles? He opened the window and the excavated topsoil rained in. He had no need to explain.

She had a Council of War. When it was finished she called him out of the garden.

‘You know what to do….’

He didn’t know, but he did know that whatever it was it looked like war, and he was in the front line!

The next day as it was a veritable gale, he was dispatched to break all their windows. Several days later, by coincidence, a Tornado fighter flew about fifty feet above their house and shattered all theirs. She said it was coincidence, the Ministry of Defence said they had not been anywhere near.

He thought Mr Gianelli had powerful friends.

When the Gianelli’s swimming pool was finished and filled for a trial test, he was sent to drill a hole in the bottom. Two days later they had no water and for a further two weeks they had to ferry water from the lake in their car.

He realised all battles had their setbacks but……

The Gianelli’s electricity was switched on. He threw a metal rod over the power lines and blew all their fuses. Two days later they found their own electricity off and their pylon down. For three weeks the Electricity Board denied all knowledge of having a pylon anywhere near them.

It called, she realised, for drastic measures.

‘Rats?’ he said ‘Where am I going to get rats?’

She hadn’t actually thought of where, only that he should. She reverted to plan B.

‘Locusts?’ he said ‘Where am I going to get locusts?’

Plan C came immediately to mind.

‘Rivers of blood?’ He started to worry for her her sanity. She had always been a pain but this……

She was half way through ‘Kill the first born…’ when he had an idea.

When the Gianelli’s next arrived he went to see Mr Gianelli…..

Cecil had never been so happy. His new wife was lovely in a caring, giving way and their neighbours were kind and considerate. The phone rang and he picked it up.

‘Hello? How are you….good, good. Pardon?…love to, love to……thank you’ and he hung up.

He shouted over his shoulder.

‘The neighbours are having a barbeque around the pool love and would like us to join them. I said we’d be right down. OK?’

‘Lovely’ came the reply ‘I’ll just get the swimming things’.

This was the life, he thought, much, much better.

Sorry? What’s that? How? How did I…..? Oh I see.

‘Firstly I went to see Mr Gianelli and told him if he didn’t knock his house down I would arrange for something dreadful to happen to his wife. They found mine floating in the lake about a week later. Terrible tragedy, terrible’ his eyes smiled

‘Secondly, I moved…..’

Thank You

Please accept my sincere appreciation for reading this book.